Always behind the camera, never in the photo

We needed family photos with ALL of us in it that did not involve self timers or any running! I found an Austin photography duo on Craiglist looking to expand their portfolio, and figured 5 small kids would give them some great experience working with large families! We wore pink for the girls and blue for the boys, but with all that pink we had to balance it out with blue jeans.

For family and commercial photography in the Austin area, LR Concept Photography

Am I allowed to post with no photos?

Frequently I don't blog because I don't have any photos to post. I tried Google to see if this was a rule, and apparently it's not. So I'm going to stop feeling guilty about a) not blogging more often because I don't have a photo to post with it, and b) blogging without a photo. After that, I'm going to find more things to not feel guilty about. I'm thinking of adding things to the list such as not cleaning my house because I have a newborn, making my husband clean the house because I have a newborn, (technically, he also has a newborn, but if we're looking at percentages here she's more my newborn than his), not making dinner because I have a newborn, not eating veggies because I have a newborn (any excuse to eat less veggies, and let's be honest: it's a lot of standing there chopping, and I need two hands for that. My left arm is on loan to my newborn), and writing grammatically incorrect extremely long sentences thinking that enough punctuation is a good mask for writing extremely long sentences that are grammatically incorrect. But while I tend to feel guilty for a lot of little things, at the end of the day I have to sit down, ponder, and come to the conclusion that yes, in fact, I am amazing. The whole woman, hear me roar, yada yada and whatever.

Updates, 'cause isn't that what blogs are about? Except that they're more about photos.

Emma: lost 8 pounds. Yay! Only 20 more to go. If you ask how I did it, just be prepared that you don't want to hear the answer. Diet and exercise. I count calories. I restrict calories. Yes, being skinny sucks sometimes.

Troy: lost more weight than me. He went on a diet for moral support, yet he's a dog and loses weight faster than me, which actually makes it harder for me to diet. At least he's eating all the veggies with me. I even taught him how to chop them efficiently like a real chef so I don't have to. One more thing to add to my less guilt list.

Taya: still growing. She even has pimples now. I'm hoping they get really bad right about the time we put braces on her, and that awkward phase lasts until right before she meets her future husband in college.

Levi: it's his birthday today! He is now 7 and hasn't been kicked out of first grade yet. Apparently the incidences of screaming and wrestling have gone down, and we've stopped getting so much hate mail. His birthday is the same day as his principal's, and when the school called to ask if they could put him on the morning video announcements about it, I saw the school name on caller ID and just cringed. I realized it's not always bad news, that someone isn't always in the nurse's office for a playground bump, or that someone isn't always in the principal's office because of poor behavior. Sometimes it's because they have the same birthday. At least once a year.

Olivia: loves kindergarten! She has the same teacher that Levi had last year, so the teacher's prepared for any shenanigans. Liv loves to "work it" with that "shy" smile and sit on everyone's lap and be the center of attention while pretending she doesn't want to be! She loves holding the baby, even if she's screaming, and considers it a badge of honor when she can get her to calm down. I need to bottle that.

Julia: is the BIG sister. She's as smart as a stinker. When offered two choices, she always comes up with secret choice number 3 and outsmarts us. When offered two choices, toddlers are supposed to assume those are the only choices and choose one! She knows we're dumber than she is and knows how to get her own way.

Zoey: started smiling! She still spends a lot of time smiling at the ceiling fan, though. Sometimes she smiles at us, and sometimes we think she's smiling at us until we realize the ceiling fan above our heads actually commands more attention and respect than we do. Still, it's cute. And I have photos of her smiling, I just haven't taken them off the card so I can post them because, you guessed it, I have a newborn. But they're coming. I promise. Stay tuned...

The 28th lives on

Today, while thinking "someone's birthday should have been today," I realized that we haven't broken our 28th streak after all.

We were married on Feb 28th
Taya was born April 28th
Levi was born Sep 28th
Liv was born July 28th

and then little Julia came along, born on time just to be difficult when it was the only time in history any mother WANTED be 8 days overdue, and "broke" our streak by being born on June 20th! We lamented she was SO CLOSE, if we say it fast enough the twentieth SOUNDS close enough to twenty-eighth. Or add just a little o on top of the zero to make an 8, so close!

But then arrives Zoey and saves Julia by being born on the 8th, so we could just split the difference between the two and keep our tradition alive. What a way to make her cool 08/08/08 birthday even cooler and redeem her sister in the process. My sister Jennifer asked me, "How do you keep doing this?!" I wish we believed in numerology, because then we'd be the luckiest people I know.

Because such things in life are of the utmost importance. Forget mortgages, world hunger, psychologically traumatizing our children with our poor parenting techniques. As long as our lucky number run of 28 stays alive, all is well in the world.

Photoshop is lonely

I've been working on the laptop for over a week now, which means all my photos and Photoshop are on my desktop and haven't been touched during that entire time! Wow, it's been really wonderful. I'm not working this month, so no student feedback to give, no photo shoots to proof (well, they are just waiting patiently for me), and no new photos to post on my blog!!! That's the only downside. I have TAKEN a LOT of photos, those are time sensitive with a newborn, but Photoshop will be there anytime. Hopefully it doesn't contact a divorce attorney during our separation as we hope to work things out and get back together someday.

Surely I will miss my little PS soon enough. For now, I just read a lot of interesting web sites, watched a LOT of Olympics on my DVR, and held the baby. A LOT.

Kanga, meet cuckoo Roo!

Tonight I got a call from my sister. Several of the girls were visiting my dad, and he mentioned he's going to call our baby, "Kanga."

Confused, they asked, "Kanga, like kangaroo? Why?"

His reply, "Because they named their baby Joey."

"JOEY?! It's Zoey! With a Z!"

He said on the birth announcement that cursive Z looks just like a J, it was an honest mistake, and that he didn't read the rest of the post to learn our fascinating reasoning behind the name, our spelling explanation, nor any other information relevant to a doting grandfather.

She told me, "He's sitting there in the chair with his arms crossed just beet red he's so embarrassed!" Well, he should be. For TWO WEEKS he thought his new granddaugther's name was Joey. Not that it's not a nice name, even for a girl, it's just that it's the WRONG name!

Mom was such a fun target to tease (I wonder where I get it from...), so it's so wonderful of Dad to fill in that role now. I just hope he can take it as well as he has always dished it out! Go, Dad: we love you and hope you continue to keep us entertained!

Top 5 Reasons pregnancy is easier than a newborn

5. I'm uncomfortable
- Uncomfortable? Try afterpains. For a 5th child. Now tell me how uncomfortable you are!

4. I can't sleep
- This one blows me away. How about 2 am feedings? 4am feedings. 5am feedings.

3. I want my body back
- Newsflash: now the parasite is just on the outside, still literally sucking away at you. And you may as well cut off your left arm for all the use you'll get out of it once you're hauling around the baby for the next, oh, six or twelve months.

2. I'm getting anxious
- I hate to break it to you. Nevermind, I love breaking it to you! If your pregnancy stress level isn't high enough, your newborn stress level will be an improvement, for sure.

1. I want to meet my baby
- I didn't get pregnant to stay pregnant forever: I got pregnant to have a baby! I didn't have a baby to complain about waking up in the middle of the night or comforting a crying infant. I had a baby to love and provide for. And while pregnancy is definitely a lot easier than being a parent, especially a parent to a newborn, nothing can replace those newborn snuggly days, that rewarding responsibility of caring for someone else's every need, that exultant feeling of accomplishment, or that first moment meeting the precious child with whom you'll share the rest of your lives. Somehow it doesn't feel like a chore, it's a joy. I love this little person more than seems possible. I love my baby!

Photographing newborns is really hard

They wriggle around and squirm and make noises and sometimes even messes, and just when you think you've gotten dad to cooperate, the baby starts doing the same thing! And then when I've caught all that tiny newborn goodness, I get of photo of an "unrolled" baby that looks MONTHS old rather than 5 days. At which point I start wondering how that enormous thing ever fit inside me, much less made it out somehow!

Try some sleeping shots, maybe they'll cooperate better? Until they wake up and start screaming and squirming!

Troy and Zoey 5 days old. Well, Zoey is 5 days. Troy is 34, I think. Years, that is, not days.

names and more names

Naming a baby is so hard for me. It's not just that it's difficult for Troy and I to agree on anything even remotely similar, but it's such a step of turning this perfect miracle in a real-life, normal, ordinary person. This is the fastest we've ever named a baby, mostly because I named our last baby, so Troy just picked out any name he liked for this one!

She was born on the opening day of the Beijing Olympics: 08.08.08, which is a very lucky day in China because the word for 8, ba, sounds so close to the word for wealth that many people believe the number 8 is linked to prosperity.

And it just so happens both of her names also have Greek origins.
Zoey: life
Nicole: victorious people (or victory for Nike, another Olympic reference?)

Troy wanted her middle name to be something like "fifth born" because Julia's middle name Tess is Greek for "fourth born." But Penta or Quinta were the only (awful) options we found. He said how about, "Nickel?" So we take a normal name, Nicole, and turn it into our own private source of humor. I think for Zoe, he just likes that name, and it meets all my criteria: something everyone has heard of, but don't really know many or any. Short, or has a good short nickname. Ends in a vowel like all of our other names do. And Most of us have 4 letters in our name, and we both like the spelling of Zoey better than Zoe. My "rule" is to spell things normally, the way they're supposed to be pronounced, nothing fancy or freaky. So in this case it's just easier to pronounce with the y on the end! Like our first child: Taya isn't spelled Téa because it was too hard to pronounce when spelled the "real" way.

When I made the birth announcement a couple of weeks ago (with blanks waiting to be filled in), Troy requested her Chinese zodiac animal be on there somewhere (year of the rat). At that time we weren't thinking anything about any Chinese traditions or Olympics, we didn't even suspect I'd go that overdue! So she gets a number 5 for 5th born and a little mouse hiding in there.

So there we have it! A named baby, it took less than 2 weeks (WOW for us!), and the little history behind it.

Baby Girl Powell is HERE!

Our new baby arrived this morning, 08/08/08 at 9:33am, 20", 7lbs 13 oz (Levi was bigger, but she is the biggest girl), at exactly one week overdue. Labor was about 11 hours, from 10:30pm-9:30am. The midwife showed up at 9am, and I was dilated to an 8. That was so frustrating because 8-10cm is the hardest part of labor. I was already exhausted and really getting discouraged. This was my first labor where I had more pain relief in a seated position than walking, so I sat in the tub for about 20 minutes. Suddenly, she just descended, and I had to push her out! I hadn't planned to deliver in the water, but at a certain point there's no turning back. She was incredibly purple and didn't cry much, but nursed really well and had a great heart rate and breathing.
We got to sleep a little, but now she is awake and just gazing around. Troy is enjoying his turn to hold her after all these months. Last night we went out for a walk (it's wonderful our oldest can now stay home with the other kids, so we put them all in bed and headed out). After coming home and going to bed, Troy rubbed my belly and kept telling her, "Come out, sweetie." Not long after I started having "real" contractions. I told him to go to sleep, and about 3am left our room to listen to an audio book, snooze a bit on the sofa, and walk around. The kids woke up to mommy in labor, and were excited to go play at their friends' houses and see their new sister when they come back home.
I'm so glad labor is over, and so glad to meet my new daughter, yet a bit sad that it's over. Giving birth is such a unique and amazing experience!

I'm in labor

I am such a slow poke! It's 3:20am, and I've been in labor since about 10:30pm. It's gotten to the point where I'm more comfortable walking around than lying down, so here I am trying to find something to do in the dark. Half of me keeps wanting to stall so I can get some sleep. The other half just wants to push the baby out and lie down and snuggle with her while we sleep! That moment is the best part of a home birth: crawling into my own bed with my tiny newborn, perfectly comfortable, and snoozing for a few hours.
But hopefully I don't stall, as I can hardly stand doing this again. Delivering a baby isn't painful, but labor is terrible. Not knowing how many more hours I have to endure is extremely difficult, mentally, and given my anxiety level going into it already, I need to be done! Maybe it'll be fast, maybe she'll be born on 08/08/08 and I can just go back to sleep!

Still pregnant

Now I'm overdue, which is fine by me, but I start to worry the more days go by as overdue babies start to develop health concerns as conditions inside their warm little home start to deteriorate. I have started poking at her regularly to make sure she's still moving around: a very quiet, still little one! If anything, I look slightly smaller now, tighter, as it's like there's less fluid in there now.
I had myself resting a lot the past 2 weeks, but now I'm up and around more, working out, cleaning, walking. My feet are killing me! I've never been one to believe one can affect starting labor, but bed rest must be effective if so many women have to do that to prevent pre-term labor! The opposite must also hold true, right?
It makes me so sad, trying to get her to come out. Reluctantly trying.

It's my DUE DATE!

It's my due date today: and as usual I waited until the last minute to get maternity photos taken! I set up my studio lights, and my friend and neighbor who has a camera similar to mine came over and took these using my camera. We got a few that turned out nicely! The family photos need some serious head swapping in Photoshop, as usual, but mission accomplished!

I'm not in a hurry for this baby to arrive, I am happy that I am still pregnant. There's nothing like it, and I want to stretch out every moment. I have the rest of her life to not be pregnant with her, so she can be patient if I can be patient.

On the other hand, I have never had this much anxiety before a birth. Knowing I'll deliver at home again, knowing there's no pain killer at the ready, and just having had a natural birth at home 2 years ago that is still so fresh in my brain means that I know exactly what I'm getting myself into! Every time I think labor MIGHT be starting, I get started freaking out! We are excited and nervous and all of those other emotions that go along with such a momentous event.

Another mother's funeral

My friends lost their mother last weekend: a Saturday morning, just like mine. Her funeral is today, but I don't think I can handle going. She was 55 years old! Mother of 7. Uterine cancer that got into her lymph system. My mom was 64, young enough, but at least she got to see all of her children married and have their own children. My dear Ruth and Aaron: my heart aches for you, my soul cries for you. Welcome to the crappiest club on earth.

Liv is Five!

Olivia turned 5, and she is never as bouncy or bubbly or hyper as on her "special day," (of which she frequently reminds us). In fact, every time someone else got a chance to have a photo taken, she'd say with those turned-down eyebrows, "It's not HER special day!"

Now I'm no expert on black and white photography, so usually when you see one that's b/w, it means I really screwed up the photo and had to save it! Outdoor on-camera flash photography still eludes me, but I didn't feel like setting up my studio lights: I hardly felt like doing anything!

One more birthday to go this season, and Levi is chomping at the bit for it to finally get here. Except for this baby's birthday, which gives me fits of anxiety just thinking about it. My sister had her baby today! Same day as Liv's birthday: suddenly it seems so much more real, and I'm kind of freaking out about it. Any day now, maybe this weekend, and Liv thinks her new little sister is her very own birthday gift!

15 more minutes

Mommy was on TV again for Total Mommy Fitness: the trainer Tatum joked that as their current token pregnant lady I've become their mascot, LOL! Baby due in just a few days, so I think that title will be pretty short lived. This time I got to talk, and got a nasty profile shot exercising at 9 months pregnant: just cruelty! The kids had a blast playing in the sprinklers at the park, but only Julia was brave enough to come exercise in front of the camera with me.
Click here to see video, only works using IE (no Firefox, sorry guys!)

I'm a wedding photographer. Stop laughing

I shot my first wedding last weekend. When she first asked me, I laughed and said, "You realize that's about 2 days before I'm due?" She said they weren't going to hire a photographer, so I figured even if I had a baby or felt like crap and bailed out, or totally screwed up every photo, nothing lost! While none of the photos will find their way onto the cover of Bride magazine, and I did get a lot of "wadders," (what do you call digital photos you just delete? Deleters?) I was really pleased that we captured some good shots of them! Even better, Ryan gave my kids piano lessons this summer, and we all enjoyed the chance to get to know him better. I'm really excited for both of them. If only everyone's marriage could be as good as mine and Troy's the world would probably spin around faster or something else along those lines.

Who is that ugly old lady?

My birthday! Troy was in Alaska most of the day, I picked him up from the airport around 3pm. I made my own cookie cake and cookie-dough ice cream, which my kids thought was sad! But he wasn't here to do it for me, and I'd rather eat cookies than whine about making it myself. All was not lost, for tired as he was, he rounded up the kids and gave me the rest of the day off my swollen pregnant feet!

32 shouldn't feel old, I don't feel old, I don't think I look old, but sometimes...those snapshots never do me any favors. You'd think Troy would want to me me look good, but I think he just barely graduated from the "say cheese and push the button" photography. It's fun he's finally getting into it. We're both artistic science nerds, so it's right up our alley.

Alaska AGAIN

Troy left for Alaska Friday afternoon: he picked me up from the airport on Thursday at 6pm, and by 11am the next morning we were on our way back. I challenged him to catch 200 lbs of fish, as if he's some sort of power lifter in the Olympics. Sadly, he wouldn't do the puffing breathing exercises those lifters do before trying to accomplish such a goal, so I'm unsure if the challenge will be met. If only he'd not been too proud to breathe like an idiot. I'm about to have a baby, and so weird breathing does not phase me in the least. Hopefully he brings back a lot of fish and doesn't smell like any. It's just a cheap ploy by me to stretch my grocery budget: I have to pay for groceries, but he has to pay for his own trip, so it's like he just threw $1,000 worth of fish into my freezer that I didn't have to "pay" for. Yeah, what's ours is ours, whatever, it's all about what Quicken says!
2005 Halibut haul

Idaho alone

I traveled to Idaho by myself last week to teach a Photoshop tranining seminar to the tech teachers at Malad High School (yeah, I know you've never heard of Malad, and probably not even Idaho!) Since Troy's parents live only 2 hours from Malad, and moved back from China the NIGHT before I arrived, I stayed with them. Luckily, or maybe not, perhaps just coincidentally, Troy's younger brother and his wife and 2 kids were up for the weekend to bless the new baby, and Troy's sister and her husband and 3 kids were visiting on a summer trip. With 3 brothers that live locally, it was a house full of people! Lots of cousins for my kids to play with had any of them been there.

We had Christmas in July, which was actually kind of sad seeing what we give up in family relationships as the price for living so far away. But weighing pros and cons I know Austin is the best place for our family, and while it is sometimes a heavy price not having any extended family or old friends, it's still worth it because Troy's job is such a rare blessing. How many grown men actually get paid a 40-hour week for about 10 actual hours? Well, 20 hours on a busy week.

And just because Shaun asked, the only Photoshop here is pasting the top of Russ's head back on. The tripod got bumped, I guess, and we had a little shrinkage. He's too tall anyway!

Swim Team

With nearly every large neighborhood in the area home to its own Jr. Olympic pool, swim team starts young here! This is Taya and Levi's first year, and they're having a great time. Neither of them are any good (I hope they don't read this for many years, but it's sadly true :0), but they love the meets and the excitement. Levi has won 3 ribbons, 2 for swimming on a relay team with really fast boys, and the other for coming in first (in the "slow" heat, but it's a ribbon!) I'm so proud of their hard work, and that they're swimming in suits I sewed for them. I've found a new love for swimming in the past several years, learning the strokes from the internet so I can swim laps for exercise, and I really enjoy watching their meets.

Both of their coaches swam in the Olympic trials, 1 coach advancing to the semi-finals in 2 events, which really lit the kids' fire for swimming! It's great they're staying active, learning, and interested. They've both improved drastically since the beginning of the season, though they're ready for it to be over. One more regional meet, and they're very excited both to swim and to be done!

Look, kids, Mom's on TV!

I was asked by a local trainer to film a spot on our 24-hour Austin news channel about exercise during pregnancy. Even though the trainer and the reporter were freakishly tiny (about 5'2" and 100lbs after eating Thanksgiving dinner), and I felt like an Amazon next to them, it was still fun to do. The trainer even offered me some free sessions, which was unexpected and very welcome! Of course, the kids think it's awesome that Mommy was on TV, and I'm just hoping this doesn't count towards my 15 minutes of fame: dream big! Well, dream on, I guess.

Troy is how old?

A few days before the event Troy asked me, "Now, am I going to be 32? 35?" I told him he knows what year he was born and to do the math himself! "Ah, 34, then. Right?" When did I ever end up being married to a middle-aged man? I guess it was about the same time I started to approach middle age too. How sad. I actually put all 34 candles on his "cake" (really pudding cream pies, I don't think anyone in our family actually prefers cake! With 2 birthdays in 6 days that's fine with me), and it was really a lot of candles. Whipped topping cooks with that many candles on it, just in case you're thinking of repeating it, so work fast and use loooong candles!

6/20/06

Julia's birthday, 6/20/06 (Troy says it's the "same" as his on 6/26), and all of a sudden she's TWO! Every photo I took she said, "Lemme seeeeee!!!!" and when I turned the camera around to show her the LCD screen she'd explode into peals of laughter! She was so excited to blow out her own candles. Five minutes before the celebration she had no idea what a birthday was, but suddenly she was the center of attention and couldn't have been a bigger ham. She should have just had an ice cream cake since she really only ate the frosting and ice cream anyway. That's okay: she has enough siblings to eat all the cake.
A few days before her birthday she decided she was ready to use the potty, and so it begins. She's been doing really well with very few accidents, but training this little when they can't even climb onto the potty by themselves is like mommy racing against time. After the new baby arrives, we'll see how long the potty habit lasts!

My shingle

Not that having business cards makes for an official business, and neither does a tax ID number, but I figure if I really want to make a go of this...someday...or rather some year when my kids are older, I need to run it like a business now!

I am still just doing friends' photoshoots, and some of them are even paying me for it! I love creating the photos all the way through to the digital scrapbook pages. Now all I need is a web site. Well, not ALL I need. Some paying clients would be nice too. Though I still have a hard time handing out my card and saying, "I'm a photographer," with a straight face.

Old crush and new friends

Troy's high school "crush" came to visit: I'm not exactly sure how they revived contact, but I think she found me through my web profile at work, or something benign like that? Rebecca and her husband Ryan were visiting San Antonio for his cousin's wedding, and they spent a night and day at our house.

Of course we brought them to work out in the morning, to the Botanical gardens for photo ops, and the Salt Lick Barbeque. We thought it might be awkward, but as soon as they walked in the door we were all like best friends.

He called them after the visit, and when she said, "Hello," Troy said, "I need to talk to Ryan." So much for social graces, Troy. No wonder she wouldn't date you!
Oddly enough, when visiting her blog she had some photos of her good friend, my sister's best friend from high school. Small world. Not small enough, as we'd love it if we could get together with Becca and Ryan more often. Four peas in a pod describes it pretty well.

Birthday season has begun

Taya’s birthday was today: the first in the season of all of our birthdays. We have 1 in April, 2 in June, 3 in July, and 1 in September.
It’s hard to believe how fast her ten years has flown by. In some ways it’s so vivid when she was a baby, and in other ways I have a hard time remembering her any other way. I’ve decided this is my favorite age. I used to think that about 18m-2y was the best as they’re learning to talk, and everything they do is so cute, but she’s so loving and appreciative of everything, does as she’s told, never gives attitude or drama. Not sure how long that will last, but we’re enjoying her so much! And is it just me, or does she look just like a better version of me?


After her "photo shoot," she was overjoyed to find cake and gifts! We didn't have a 1 nor a 0 candle, so she made "math" candles by adding up the numbers to make 10. The more she can blow out, the better. Just wait until she's 30 or 40 or 50 and realizes that's just a lot of candles, less is more!

Levi's tooth, first in, first out

After all that work as a baby to cut this thing in, all the tears and fussing, there it goes simple as anything. He was near the end of kindergarten when he lost it, and was beginning to fear he'd be the only one in his class not to have lost a tooth before the end of the year, even though he was the oldest kid in class! When the tooth fell out, his adult tooth was already peeking out behind it. We were hoping his cracked front tooth would fall out first, since he cracked it when he fell and broke his leg, and now it's gray, loose, and has a bit of an infection in the root. The pediatric dentist said to leave it alone and let it fall out on its own. The tooth fairy rewarded him generously for his patience, and he regularly wiggles all his teeth to find out which one is next to go "down!"

Easter Sunday

We pulled off the corny act today, all dressed up matching, but when else but Easter can we do that?

The girls' dresses were done in plenty of time! Though I will admit I had to redo the lace and rose on the baby's at the last minute on Saturday afternoon, and stitched the rose back on in the car on the way to church. That last part reminded me of Mom: after nagging her to at least get started on my wedding dress, she snapped back, "Have any of you girls ever gone to a dance, much less her own wedding DRESSLESS?!" As usual, she was right, and I nagged no more, showing up to my wedding in a gorgeous gown she made for me.

The weather in Austin was gorgeous today, despite the gloomy forecast. Even though it was windy, and not as much cloud cover as I was hoping for, we got some photos that don't make me want to cry. Almost. As the mother and photographer, I try too hard and make it not so much fun.

Levi and Troy got matching new white shirts with navy pants and orange ties, as if they didn't look enough like age-disparate twins already. I wore my navy floral skirt with white jacket and Photoshopped orange shirt (it's really a dark coral red, but hey, it matched one of the dot colors on the dresses! And everyone's Photoshopped-on heads to get one decent group shot will match the shirt, at least.) Julia and Livia loved their new white shoes, and Levi said, "Daddy and me look sharp!"
For a closer view of the girls' dresses, see my sewing site here.

Grieving

Grief is an odd thing: you feel what you feel whether it’s logical or “kind” or even appropriate. I’ve always thought I should let myself progress through any feelings I have during a grief phase as it helps me get over it faster! My mother is gone, and I needed to get what I wanted, something to make me happy, a brother for my son, and I didn't get it.

We struggled with infertility after our first was born, as have my sisters, so I well know what a blessing any child is, no matter the gender or even the health status! And yet, illogical as it is, I still feel “It’s too soon, I wanted a brother for Levi, etc, etc,” coupled with the “count your blessings, you have a boy already, etc, etc.”

My husband had a blessing years ago that said some things that really made me think we’d have 2 sons, and we have always both felt strongly about having 5 kids. I didn’t want another one and neither did he, but we both felt something pulling on us to have another, and I honestly thought it was because it was our other son “calling” to us. Coupled with my mom’s death, it’s hard to look on the bright side. Her passing has really shaken my faith in general, and I'm having a very difficult time seeing any sort of plan or reason to anything. When God doesn't bless us with our desires, It would be easier for me to say, "It's God's will," but I have no idea how I feel about that, if there is a "will" other than my own directing my life.

Here’s a scrapbook page I made after the first ultrasound, before we knew the gender, when I was trying to come to terms with the “too soon,” and now I’ll soon get over the “wrong gender!” I frankly was much more sad about our 4th child being another girl, I got over it. This one being a girl doesn’t bother me nearly as much. I’m just confused! Given my mom’s history we always thought I’d have my hysterectomy after this baby, my doctors all advise it before age 35, I do not want 6 children, we are done having children. I don’t mind at all that this one is another girl, I am not grieving at having a girl. I love little girls! I am just grieving we won’t ever have another boy! If that makes any sense…

" What were we thinking? Apparently not clearly enough!
I always wanted 5 kids, I think he did too. But now?
In the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
It would have been in a few months anyway.
Somehow, it’s so easy to forget when it was difficult,
to take for granted the miracle, to put too stringent
restrictions on when, what gender, where, how.
But in the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
You are ours now. We are yours. You belong to our hearts
forever
and we forever to yours.
So how can we quibble when we see the miracle?
The beat of your tiny heart that has already captured us,
the waving of your tiny arms as if to say hello already,
the kicking of infinitesimal feet reminding me you are there.
In our hearts, forever."

One more girl

We're expecting another baby! We had our 20-week ultrasound today and found out it's another girl! That makes 4 girls and 1 lonely boy in the mix. We'll have to make a lot of pink walls and fluffy dresses, and some frugal weddings!

Sewing with Mom

I haven't been sewing in awhile: I recently moved all my machines and my big cutting table into the computer room (left all the supplies in the other room, not enough space in here), hoping to be more productive near my computer and movies, and especially near Troy.
So far I've done only mending and a few small projects, which is definitely progress. I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to do another project with my mom, as we always spoke on the phone about what we were working on and trading advice. It seemed every project I'd call her with a question, even if she couldn't answer it (we work on very different types of sewing). I keep trying to pick up the phone and call her again, realizing she's not there, so I'm not sure if the decision to do a project "with her" is more painful or cathartic.
When we were little, she would put all 3 girls in matching dresses, usually different colors, and people would ask if we were triplets! She had some fun stories of making dresses of the same color and getting the pieces mixed up as they weren't exactly the same size, and that's why she changed to the same style and fabric in different colors! I have 3 daughters, and even though their age spreads leave no doubt they are not multiples, with Easter coming up making 3 matching dresses seemed only appropriate as my first project since Mom's death. It's almost like we're doing it together, and I'm definitely doing it in her honor.
Only one week left until Easter, and the dresses are well on their way, so I should be finished in plenty of time if my motivation doesn't abate. I'm excited to zip them up and do a photo shoot with my 3 little darlings. As for Troy, Levi, and me, I think we'll just try to get something that doesn't completely clash! Levi's Easter outfit is definitely coming from a store, though!
(see March 23 post for finished dresses, or my sewing site here.)

In memory of my mother

Dee Satterlee Giles
June 1943-Feb 16 2008

On Valentine's Day, I threw a bunch of dirty laundry into my suitcase, snatched up my two littlest kids, and with a "hot off the press" same-day air ticket, rushed to Seattle to see my mother. I should have had a bag packed and ready because I knew her health was poor, that her cancer had taken over, but the speed of her decline that last week surprised all of us. Each day she seemed to progress exponentially worse, so on Monday when we last spoke there was talk of me not coming until March, and by Wednesday, when we had scheduled to speak again, she was unable to carry on a conversation and could hardly sit up when carried out of bed.
Friday morning I hurried over early, hearing that mornings were her most lucid times because she wouldn't be on any painkillers, but after 13 hours unmedicated she was hardly communicative, opening her eyes only a few times, and I'm doubtful she had even a short term memory of my presence. She answered my questions properly, seemed to know who I was, recognized my children's names, even made a few comments on what I was wearing, but it was all confused with her own mindless ramblings and nonsensical statements. I returned 3 times that day to a progressively worsened state: by lunchtime she was silent and appeared unconscious, after dinner was highly agigated and mumbling, and even making out a few words here and there was difficult. We attended to her until after midnight: she had become very dehydrated from lack of food and water, refusing our offers and being unable to swallow well. The hospice nurse visited Friday morning saying that was the last sign of "active dying" and she did not expect to see us again. At that, Mom interrupted her own mumbling to call out, "I don't want to die," and then returned to her other conversations.
That night, as she became more agitated, we rubbed chapstick into our mother's parched lips and nostrils, sprayed her mouth with a hydrating mist, and even near the end she would still respond to our commands of "open your mouth," or "do you want more?" between her mumbles and chatter. She moved very little those last two days, and the fluid being stolen from her blood and organs by the cancer cells was oozing into her tissue causing blisters, especially on her legs and feet. It was unclear whether she would die from cardiac arrest having no more blood pressure, or respiratory arrest from the pressure of the fluid on or in her lungs. After midnight, everyone was in the living room talking except me, as I had fallen asleep on the sofa near her. She woke me every so often with talking, and the last thing I heard her say before everyone came back in and all the sisters left was a slow moan of, "I just want to die." She had resisted death so hard, she feared it, felt she had not been able to fulfill all her earthly desires. Even near the end she seemed so unaware that was why she had come home from the hospital. I had always told her at the end, in pain, she wouldn't fight so hard, but it took almost until the last moments for her to surrender the fight.
After we left my brother and brother-in-law remained to care for her overnight. He arose every hour to give her morphine drops, dreading she might be in pain and unable to ask for relief. By 6:30 Saturday morning I received a call from my brother that Mom's breathing had "changed" and we should hurry over. No one made it: she passed away at 7:05am on February 16 at age 64 after a 6-year battle with ovarian cancer.
Her passing has left a hole in my soul. I found the past 2 years I purposely refrained from building any type of routine around her, like not calling at any particular time, or even resisting the urge to call knowing that someday I'd have to get used to not being able to talk to her. It was silly, like a pulling away so I wouldn't miss her so much in my daily life, and I knew I'd be sorry I didn't spend more time on the phone or sending photos to her. When Troy's mom moved to China, the first time I couldn't call her for some silly little question settled on me suddenly and heavily with the realization that someday my own dear sweet mother would be gone. No more phone calls, no more emails, no more questions, no more answers, no more sharing. Just gone.
My children have almost no recollections of her: Taya remembers a few visits, Levi and Julia will remember nothing, and Liv's only memory will be of her ill and unconscious grandmother whom she kissed on the cheek during a momentary visit to her room the day before she died.
My mother could do anything she wanted with an incredibly keen intelligence coupled with a drive and passion for learning and creating. In fact, we used to tease her the only thing she couldn't do was sing no matter how hard she tried. She took up the piano at age 50 and was actually pretty good, sewed amazing clothing and quilts and embroidery, even tiny 6" doll clothes after she nearly completely lost the dexterity in her fingers. She decorated cakes, wrote poetry, cooked, drew, painted, went to school, substitute taught, worked in nursing, knitted, crocheted, drafted and sold patterns, a computer whiz, and took up nearly every pursuit that caught her eye. We used to call her the walking dictionary and would never play any word games with her because she could snatch seemingly balderdash words from the air that were always found in the dictionary when we challenged her. We accused her of cheating, of taking advantage of our trust, but we never found a word she "made up" that was actually made up! She knew the answer to any question off the top of her head and could help us with any subject or level of homework we could bring to her. She was incredibly self motivated, never needing pushed to accomplish anything, even as a child, yet amazingly fickle moving from one project to another as the desire drove her. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, and did it with excellence.
Yet through it all, she was a wife and a mother to 8 children! Her real dream, her true lifelong passion was to have a large family, despite her family's discouragement. She cooked mountains of food and washed mountain ranges of laundry and dishes. She put up with our whining and our bickering, teaching us to control our impulses and look to the future, always keeping our highest priorities in view. She taught us about faith and trust in the Lord, about resisting temptation, and about dedicating our lives to something more than petty or selfish desires. She taught us to be good spouses and parents. She had faults, many of them, which unfortunately provided us with too much entertainment, but overcoming all she taught us to forgive ourselves for our own faults by never allowing her own to slow her down, always striving to improve.
Her legacy is not only left by the items she created, but stored in us, her family, in memories and values and lessons and love.
We miss you, Mama. Go with excellence as you always have.

Ah, the joys of family

Here's our family photo from the Botanical Gardens, an overall unpleasant experience! With impatient children and impatient photographer (sorry Amber, maybe patient Tyler can email us his patient versions!) we gritted and tried our best to look our best. And just to be clear, this IS the fixed one with Photoshop pasted-on heads, clothing color changed to match, and smirks into smiles, and it still sucks. But you can't argue with the best, and this is the best! Doesn't take much to be the best when taken from such a pool of inadequacy, so let this be a life lesson to us all: hang out with mediocre people and strive for excellence!

Scream for Ice Cream?

My babies only know a few signs, just the essentials to get by before speech invades their little world. "More," is perhaps the first and most important! To them, it means just, "Gimme FOOD!" usually accompanied by an adorable little squeak of, "Mo? Mo?"

Well, my bowl of homemade cookie-dough ice cream didn't stay mine for long, as Baby caught sight of it and started with her simple signing, fingers clapping and desperate eyebrows knit together, quickly advancing in speed, then to begging, loudly, "MO? MO?"
And when she finally got hold of it, she smiled wildly and said, "Col'!"
And as with all things good, one bite is never enough. I guess it's a great way to stay on a diet: always share with your toddler. The chubby looks cuter on her cheeks, anyway.

I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

You know that Primary song, "I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!" that the kids sing? I never sing that, I don't wear a missionary badge, a lot of my friends and neighbors don't even know this very important thing about me. So now at least online I can wear my "badge" in the signature lines on the forums I visit. You can too! Here's the PHP code to use on bulletin boards:

[IMG]http://tinyurl.com/jesuschristLDS-jpg[/IMG]

No annoyingly flashing blinkies, just beautiful and simple like Christ himself.
Listen to the song here
http://broadcast.lds.org/churchmusic/MP3/1/2/words/77.mp3

Early Thanksgiving

Troy's sister Amber and her husband Tyler came to visit for Thanksgiving, a week early. Have you seen holiday airfare?! So we had our Thanksgiving dinner the Saturday prior with a Texas-smoked turkey, real AND peeled mashed potatoes, almost lump-free gravy, appetizers, non-soggy stuffing, green bean casserole, and what my kids call "can," otherwise known as cranberry sauce. For dessert, Tyler's Dream Bars, 10 pies, homemade ice cream, and strawberry shortcake. It was wonderful to have my assistant aka Amber cleaning behind me as I cooked, and I've never had so much fun in the kitchen. It's amazing how drudgery takes the fun out of everything. We had a great weekend, a few ups and downs with a trip to the emergency room, but what holiday weekend would be complete without some family drama? Overall it was wonderful to have them all to ourselves to reminisce and get to know them better.

Beautiful

Sunday after church we went to the Austin Zilker Botanical Gardens for some photo ops. The kids LOVE posing, especially when they can zip around from location to location rather than sitting in one spot.

Of course, we had our fair share of bloopers, too!

Prettier than your wedding!

Olivia, who is always searching for girly things, fanciful, imaginative, or beautiful, wanted to see when I got to be a princess, so I showed her my wedding photos and wedding dress. She was appropriately impressed, as any 4-year-old girl should be. A few days later, on Thanksgiving, she saw my pumpkin cream pie and exclaimed, "Mommy! That's prettier than your wedding!" Obviously we have some priorities to straighten out.

Easiest recipe ever found at Jell-O.com

Sick of being sick

I am so sick. I've been sick for a long time. The nitty details are not only boring, but disgusting, and somewhat private, so I'll spare repeating them. However, after over a week of nausea, and almost 2 weeks of general malaise and stomach cramping, I'm sick of being sick. What a waste of time. And despite some weight loss, I don't recommend this diet to anyone!

New School Year

Yes, they really did bring apples to their teachers on the first day, but I included chocolate cookies to lessen the cheese factor. Taya is in 4th grade, and Levi finally started kindergarten this year! He'll be 6 in 2 weeks, but he's still the smallest kid in class and unfortunately behaves that way as well. He loves school, adores his teacher, and regularly engages in social activities such as pushing, shoving, or hitting friends for no reason. When he's not doing that, he shows affection with crushing hugs or fiddling with their clothes and hair. He's lovely, of course.
They are both still in karate and hating it (don't tell them, I'm trying to brainwash them that it's cool). Taya is really enjoying piano lessons and practices on her own cheerfully.
Somehow the extra time I was hoping to have while they were at school hasn't really materialized as I'd hoped and knew it wouldn't! With 4 kids it'll always be hard. But the school year is still new, and as the routine regularizes I'm finding it's easier to keep the house clean and stay caught up on spending time with my kids and working out. I've lost about 25 pounds since last June, and it feels great!
Of course a new school year brings illness with it. I spent over a week getting to know my toilet better, I even put a little chair in there to hang out just in case. Finally got some Cipro (miracle of miracles), and everyone else seems to be taking turns in the same boat...er, bathroom. Hopefully no one else will have it as long as I did, and hopefully no one else will need extra pharmaceutical help to kick the toilet habit.
With just 2 kids at home this year, Olivia is loving having more mommy time, and she needs it! As a middle child so close in age to her brother, she feels left out a lot. Her mood and attitude have improved, and since she's starting kindergarten in just a year, this year with her at home almost alone will be a special one. Julia is just getting old enough for them to play together a little bit, except for the times when she's screaming about new teeth charging in. She had 6 for quite awhile, and she has 3 new ones with 3 more threatening to ruin our peace for awhile longer yet.
It's amazing how busy we can be yet still be so boring!

A big family on a big trip!

Here we all are, July 2007. Julia just turned 1, Olivia just turned 4. Levi is starting kindergarten in the Fall, and Taya will be in 4th grade. We have a new school in our neighborhood, and while I'm really excited having to walk them there instead of having a bus at our front door will be a challenge! She's always been bused to school, and I thought I'd love a school so near us. However, I'm coming to realize having to wake everyone up and walk them there will be a big challenge, plus having 2 to get ready in the mornings, plus 2 more tag alongs, is going to be much more chaotic than I'm used to! Normally I dread the start of school, but this year, because I'll have 2 in school (finally), and 2 at home, it feels like it will be so much quieter during the day. I want to spend quality time with the kids. I want to have my really clean house back. I want to get my classes written. I want to sew again. Right now I don't do any of it because I feel so wiped out all the time just being surrounded by so many needs constantly, that even in my free time I can't get anything done! I wonder if it's just a fantasy? Part of me feels like it will be even more chaotic with homework and evening activities. Somewhere along the line my metamorphosis into "soccer mom" started without my permission! Though none of us play soccer...maybe I'll get a bumper sticker that says, "My karate mom can kick your soccer mom's butt!"

Our monster road trip is over now! We started in Austin and drove through New Mexico, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Salt Lake to see my best HS friend, Boise, flew to Seattle to see my family, drove from Boise to Rexburg to see Troy's family, I taught a 3-day seminar in Malad, Idaho, South Weber, Utah to see Troy's best HS friend, Silverthorne, Colorado to see my oldest brother, then back through Amarillo to Austin. It took 3 weeks! But it wasn't quite as horrifying a drive as we anticpated. The kids watched DVD in our new car player, and the baby spent a lot of time playing with her toes. I've noticed crying isn't as stressful when you can't do anything about it! Our families were great to see, and everyone was happy and obliging, unless I mention those few troublesome moments, which I won't. We had a good time, and don't tremble in fear at the thought of doing it again now that we have a DVD player in the car! And to our credit, we haven't used it once since we got home, though the kids have begged. They watch enough TV at home!

Baby is Big

My Julia turned one. With each child that sneaks up on me faster and faster. She walks and even talks a little. I already miss my baby, that fleeting and miraculous infant stage. On the other hand, if it took any longer for them to grow up I would surely go insane.

Our Baby is HERE!!!

Our new baby was born on June 20, 2006. A 7lb 10oz little girl, perfectly healthy and adorable! She looks a lot like Olivia did as a newborn, surprisingly so.

She's so mellow, sleeps really well. I'm still tired from waking during the night, but at least she just wakes up to nurse and doesn't stay awake. Troy is still sleeping in the guest bed, and I miss him. It is nice not stressing about keeping him awake at night, though, so I can rely on him to be rested and helping with the kids during the day.

Troy went back to work today, and I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown when he left! I feel like that mother bear who chases her cubs off in preparation to have another one: THIS is my baby, I don't want to deal with the other ones! They are very good children and play together and help each other. It's nice that school is out so Taya can be helpful and entertain the little kids.

I'm sad the pregnancy is over, there's just nothing else like growing a baby and giving birth. It's like now the serious business of growing up begins. But that special time during this newborn stage seems just as good, and over just as fast!