Thursday, March 20, 2008

Grieving

Grief is an odd thing: you feel what you feel whether it’s logical or “kind” or even appropriate. I’ve always thought I should let myself progress through any feelings I have during a grief phase as it helps me get over it faster! My mother is gone, and I needed to get what I wanted, something to make me happy, a brother for my son, and I didn't get it.

We struggled with infertility after our first was born, as have my sisters, so I well know what a blessing any child is, no matter the gender or even the health status! And yet, illogical as it is, I still feel “It’s too soon, I wanted a brother for Levi, etc, etc,” coupled with the “count your blessings, you have a boy already, etc, etc.”

My husband had a blessing years ago that said some things that really made me think we’d have 2 sons, and we have always both felt strongly about having 5 kids. I didn’t want another one and neither did he, but we both felt something pulling on us to have another, and I honestly thought it was because it was our other son “calling” to us. Coupled with my mom’s death, it’s hard to look on the bright side. Her passing has really shaken my faith in general, and I'm having a very difficult time seeing any sort of plan or reason to anything. When God doesn't bless us with our desires, It would be easier for me to say, "It's God's will," but I have no idea how I feel about that, if there is a "will" other than my own directing my life.

Here’s a scrapbook page I made after the first ultrasound, before we knew the gender, when I was trying to come to terms with the “too soon,” and now I’ll soon get over the “wrong gender!” I frankly was much more sad about our 4th child being another girl, I got over it. This one being a girl doesn’t bother me nearly as much. I’m just confused! Given my mom’s history we always thought I’d have my hysterectomy after this baby, my doctors all advise it before age 35, I do not want 6 children, we are done having children. I don’t mind at all that this one is another girl, I am not grieving at having a girl. I love little girls! I am just grieving we won’t ever have another boy! If that makes any sense…

" What were we thinking? Apparently not clearly enough!
I always wanted 5 kids, I think he did too. But now?
In the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
It would have been in a few months anyway.
Somehow, it’s so easy to forget when it was difficult,
to take for granted the miracle, to put too stringent
restrictions on when, what gender, where, how.
But in the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
You are ours now. We are yours. You belong to our hearts
forever
and we forever to yours.
So how can we quibble when we see the miracle?
The beat of your tiny heart that has already captured us,
the waving of your tiny arms as if to say hello already,
the kicking of infinitesimal feet reminding me you are there.
In our hearts, forever."

2 comments:

Davidsonfieldville said...

I think losing a mom is so much more encompassing than you can really put into words- and I think its beautiful that you have the courage to say the things a lot of others might be too afraid to do..fear of sounding frail or fear of sounding like they didn't love their baby...instead you just sound like a normal, grieving, pregnant perfectly wonderful person. Im glad you shared this.
by the way..I don't ever want to be pregnant again but I would love to have a son more than I can say..it makes me all choked up to even think about it. I guess you just never know what's supposed to happen and the fat lady definitely hasn't sung yet in your life. You- and I- are still so young. Maybe we'll adopt, maybe foster, maybe it's the best friend that Levi will have later in life that will become a sort of a brother...
anyway...I can't wait to meet you.

Davidsonfieldville said...

by the way- I really like this song- if you need a little cry- called
"the world spins madly on" by the Weepies. if you google search the name, there's a silly little video (its cute, with play-doh) but the words are really beautiful about what it feels like to miss someone so much, and that it seems the world should stop and notice that someone so wonderful has left..and yet it all just keeps going anyway.. as it should I suppose. Its a nice song.