Emma's Mindless Ramblings: I'm 5% skinnier today

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I'm 5% skinnier today

How to use a body-fat caliper: (and in case you're a little too obsessed like I am, order them here or you can pay full price at www.accumeasurefitness.com)

Read the instructions, even if you've already been using the thing for 3 years. That little slider-ma-bob-thingy on there, you're supposed to slide that all the way the right before measuring. That way, when the calipers click into position, that black line on there tells you how many millimeters you've pinched. Do NOT use the edge of the jaws themselves where the yellow line is, that is NOT where you're supposed to read the measurement.
So, instead of 12mm=25% body fat, I'm in fact 9mm=20% body fat. As my goal was to get to 20% body fat, I'm done. Easiest fitness goal I've ever reached. All praise to technical error paired with a touch of idiocy. Now I can be skinny and stupid. I feel my modeling contract coming on.

3 comments:

Liz McCoy said...: LOL! another testament to reading directions first LOL.; 12/3/08, 1:30 PM
Anonymous said...: SERIOUSLY LAUGHING; 12/3/08, 8:42 PM
Adrienne, Hanna, Hayden & Garrett said...: super fast loss momma! Congratulations! Hope I can follow in your footsteps:); 12/8/08, 12:37 AM

Kidisms, 'cause they say the darndest things

I said to Eve, age 3, "You have a hole in the back of your pants." She giggled and said, "I farted!"
Levi, age 12, said, "Where's the duct tape?" When I asked why he needed it, he replied, "I need to tape a duck. Duh."
Zoey, age 5 and just learned to read, pointed to the label on the jug of whole milk and said, "That's funny. It says 'Holy Milk' instead of 'Holy Cow!'"
Zoey, age 5, on why she didn't enjoy visiting Las Vegas. "I got lost, but that is no what Lost Vegas is for!"
Zoey, age 5, sat next to me and said, "MWAHAHAHAHA! I'm practicing my evil laugh."
Trying unsuccessfully to put ketchup and mustard on her hot dog, Zoey age 5 asked Dad, "Will you decorate it for me?"
Overhearing me complain about a mess, my five-year-old said from the doorway, "Someone named Zoey did that." Long pause. "And my name is Zoey."
In a bad mood after losing a game, I asked Levi age 11 to put the kittens away. He came back a few minutes later and grumpily said, "I don't wanna touch the kittens. I still wanna be mad."
In the middle of a joke that was going nowhere, Taya age 14 laughingly added, "And I'm not funny, go away."
While eating roast chicken for dinner Zoey age 3 pointed to the skin and asked "Mommy, can I have that slime."
Zoey age 3 sneezed several times in a row then said, "I can't stop bless you-ing!"
On Feb 14, Zoey age 3, woke me up with a cheerful, "Happy Valen's Day time!"
While I was eating, I told Zoey age 3 that I was also feeding the baby inside my tummy. She asked, "The baby eats all your crumbs?"
Teaching Olivia age 8 cursive, I asked, "Isn't it beautiful with all the swirls?" She said, "Yes, but not when I write it."
Levi age 10 watching the demolition of the brick to make way for our room addition said, "Hammer vs. concrete. Hammer wins."
Olivia age 8 said, "Fruits have more sugar than vegetables. That's why vegetables are no good."
Julia, age 5, noticing the varicose veins on my pregnant legs whispered to me, "You might want to wear long pants today."
When I asked Zoey age 3 her favorite food, her answer was, "Um...not bunnies. I hate to eat bunnies. Because they're not cooked."
Overhearing us talking about some friends of ours, Julia age 5 asked, "Who is Talia?" We said she's Kassandra's little sister. Julia asked, "Then why don't we call her Smallia?"
I pointed out an airplane to Zoey age 3 in the night sky, and she told me, "That's not an airplane, it's a flashing star."
While singing, Julia age 5 said, "I'm going to be a singer when I grow up. No, wait: I'm going to be a superhero, but I have to practice more on my skateboard first."
Levi age 9 asked, "How come all my funny stories are embarrassing?"
Dad said had a really bad sinus headache because of the rain. The kids said they had headaches too. Zoey age 3 said, "I have TWO headaches!"
Taya age 13, during a doctor visit while we were discussing tetanus boosters asked, "Isn't tetanus a video game too?"
Taya age 13, reporting on her week at camp, said she had a lot of fun even though a few of the girls were, "stucky snot up."
After watching Tarzan, Olivia age 7 asked, "What if I was raised by apes?" Taya age 13 replied, "You probably were."
When I couldn't find any rubbing alcohol to treat Olivia, age 7, I said we'd have to buy some. Olivia replied, "But we don't drink alcohol. What are we going to do with the rest of the bottle?"
Levi age 9 asked, "If you unplug the refrigerator, do all the magnets fall off?" Glad to hear he was actually paying attention to the electromagnetism science project his older sister did 3 years before!
Taya age 12 asked Zoey age 2, "Who's the best?" "Mommy!" Zoey answered. "Who's the worst? Satan." Zoey replied, "Ten." "No, Satan." So Zoey obeyed and said, "TEN!"
Getting ready for church, I told Olivia age 7 to go put her shoes on. She wiggled her bare feet at me and said, "Mom, I'm wearing my birthday shoes!"
Befriending a mom at the Children's Museum, Julia age 4 asked why she was wearing braces. She answered awkwardly, "For the same reason your big sister is wearing braces." Julia replied in amazement, "You suck your thumb?"
While at Costco trying to get a free sample, the attendant asked Levi age 9 if he was allergic to anything. Alarmed, he asked, "Is there ragweed pollen in that?!"
While coloring Zoey age 2 asked, "Mommy, what is BFFFF?" I said, "Did Olivia (age 7) tell you that means Best Friends Forever?" She replied, "Yes, best friends forever! Like Olivia. Like my pencil!"
I asked Julia age 4, "Did you know your preschool friends are moving away soon?" She said, "What planet are they moving to?"
After unsuccessfully searching for a public pool near a house we considered buying, Levi age 9 said, "I know! Dad can get a job as a billionaire so we can get a back yard pool!" Unfortunately, nobody's hiring.
Levi age 9 was helping Zoey age 2 into our room for morning cuddle and announced, "I'm bringing you a human present!" Mom replied, "I am pretty sure that's illegal."
While Zoey age 2 was singing, Taya age 12 said, "She is so cute! I bet we could auction her off."
Referring to Dad's aged grandmother out of the blue one day, Julia age 4 said, "Grandhoney is falling apart. That's what happens when you get old and watch too much TV."
While at the park eating bbq venison, we see a buck in the forest. Staring longingly, Levi age 7, chewing on his steak thoughtfully says, "Deer meat is so juicy," like he yearned to take a bite out of that furry hide.
Olivia, age 7, noticing that the main Barbie characters in all the Barbie movies don't look the same said, "She must have had surgery." I asked, "What's surgery?" and she replied, "I mean plastic surgery. You know, where they make your body look all funny."
I said to Zoey, age 2, "You burped!" She said, "I a fwog, webbit, webbit."
After turning off a documentary on the natural history of the human species so the little girls could watch a movie, Levi age 9 got upset and asked, "Can we watch the humans evolve please?" I told him there's no flashing light and big change like when Pokeman evolves, and he lost interest in the show!
Levi, almost 9, while playing blocks told his sisters, "Help me build downtown Tokyo so I can be Godzilla."
While driving down a country road, the kids excitedly pointed out the car window and yelled, "Look! Polar bears!" Curious, I found that the objects of their fascination were enormous white brahma bulls. We do live in Texas and not Alaska after all.
While eating dinner, Julia age 4 took a bite and pulled a yucky face. Dad asked, "Do you not like that?" She looked straight at him and said, "Just look...at my eyebrows."
After watching Roman Candle fireworks on July 4th, Julia age 4 loudly called out for "more Ramen noodles, please!!!"
Levi, age 5, after learning to read excitedly called me into his bedroom, pointed to his patchwork jeans quilt and exclaimed, "Mom! My name is ALL OVER my bed!!!"
Taya, age 11, was watching Levi scratch at loose hair during a haircut and said, "Levi, you're turning into an old man: you have hair all over your back."
After a shower, Zoey age 1 was playing with my make up while I got ready. I gave her an old lipstick to decorate herself, and when Troy walked in she said, "Pitty!" Troy replied, "Yes, very pretty, but I think it goes on your OTHER lips!"
While watching figure skating on our big screen TV, Julia age 3 was dancing to the music, and kept running into the screen. I said to stop hitting the TV because she was leaving finger prints and might crack it. She asked, "And you don't want me to crack it or those people might get out?" I guess they are kind of life sized on there!
Zoey age 1 was helping me get ready in the bathroom, grabbed my tweezers and started poking her eyebrows with them. The next day, she was helping Daddy, grabbed his tweezers, and started poking them up her nose. Observant child.
While unloading groceries with Taya, age 2, I showed her each food and told her the Spanish word so she could repeat it back to me. After showing her an apple and saying, "manzana," several times, she looked at me like I was a complete idiot, took it from my hand, held it in front of my face, and said very slowly and clearly, "AP-ple!"
Levi, age 8, heard me answer Taya's request to visit an out-of-state friend with, "When you're 12, you can fly by yourself," and asked, "You can fly by yourself when you're 12? But you can't even drive a car yet!"
Julia, age 3, playing with my new short hair commented, "When you had long hair, Daddy loved you. Now you cut it short, and he doesn't love you anymore." Troy loved the haircut, so I'm wondering which Barbie movie gave her that idea!
Julia, age 3, was playing doctor while I was sick. I asked, "Are you going to be a doctor when you grow up?" She replied, "No, I'm going to be a grown up."
Julia, age 3, twirling in her tutu called out to me, “Look Mommy! I’m a diarrhea!"
Levi, age 7, watching a video on the Book of Mormon story about the young warriors known as the Sons of Helaman remarked, “Wow, I can’t believe he had 2,000 sons and not even any daughters!"
Julia, age 2, while we were walking home saw Dad’s car backed in to the driveway, asked, “Why did Daddy park his car upside down?"
After a relaxing weekend at home, I said, “Our house is messy.” Troy answered, “Yep, I guess that’s the way the kids like it!"
Struggling to buckle her carseat belt around her fluffy Sunday dress, Julia almost 3 said, “I can’t buckle because my dress is all iggle-y.” I asked, “What is iggly?” Julia answered, “My dress."
Levi age 6 wanted to say something funny to get on the kidisms list. He’d crack a joke and ask, “Are you gonna write that one down?” I said that he’s so funny, and I’d certainly remember to write it down. Gratified, he’d crack another joke and request it added to the list. None of them were very funny, but at least he did something to get on the list again!
Levi, age 6, while scrolling through the caller ID numbers saved on our phone called out, “Jesus Christ! We can call Jesus Christ on the phone!” I told him it was the CHURCH of Jesus Christ, the building, not the actual guy. Troy asked if Levi could put in a good word for us.
Julia age 1, learning to dress and undress herself, put on a huge clown hat and bear ears headband around her belly, and wearing nothing else, not even a diaper, poked at me to look at her and said, “Moooommmmyyyy. I Cute."
Julia age 1 was watching my monitor while I was shopping online for frilly girl’s dresses, pointed at the models on the screen and called out, “Pincess!” The next day, after Troy dressed her for church, she ran in to me and said, “Pincess!” and showed off her frilly dress to me.
Julia age 1 ran in to us holding her head, crying and said, “Table push!” Seems she had grown too tall to run under it, hit her head, and had to tattle on the table who must have done it on purpose.
Julia age 1 walked up to me, and I asked for a kiss. She puckered up and kissed me, then leaned her head on my shoulder and said, “Hug.” She then hit me as hard as she could, said, “Sorry!” and kissed it better. I told her those were NOT our 3 signs of affection.
On our plane ride home, sitting next to an older gentleman, I told Olivia age 4 that Grandpa used to build these Boeing planes, but that now he’s retired. “What’s retired?” she asked. “It means he doesn’t work anymore.” She replied, “Yep, now he just plays with kids all day.” The gentleman unsuccessfully stifled a laugh.
Taya age 9 asked, “Mom, is the Relief Society at church called that because moms are RELIEVED to get away from their kids for awhile?”
Olivia age 4 was in the hallway with several outfits spread around her to choose, but when I finished with the laundry I left the room and turned off the light, which she was using to see her clothing. She said, “MO-OM!!! I need the light back on, these clothes don’t glow in the dark! They’re just clothes, you know.”
After watching a movie where two lovebirds are knighted at the end, they ride off on a horse with a “Just Knighted” sign hanging from it. Taya age 9 said, “They mean just U-nited!”
I told Olivia age 4, “You have 2 i’s in your name.” She replied, “No, I have two eyes on my FACE!”
In the car, the kids were all remarking on the many birds on the tops of the signs and billboards. “Look at all the birds on THAT sign! And that one over there!” Finally Olivia said, “Look at all the birds in the sky! There aren’t any, they fell down.”
Julia age 1 seemed hungry, so I asked her if she wanted some noodles. She pronounces noodles as “nunus,” so I kept asking her, “Do you want nunus?” She sniffed. “Do you want nunus?” She sniffed again. Every time I said, “Nunus,” she sniffed. She had a very runny nose, and I'm not sure if she thought "nunus" sounded like "nose," or if she thought the danglers looked like spaghetti noodles.
Olivia age 4 asked me, “Do you know what?” I answered, “No, I don’t know what: who is that? I’ve never met him.” She replied, “No, he’s not a people! He’s an imaginary friend, in my head here, see?!” I asked how an entire friend fit in her head, and pointing to her scalp she said, “He’s very small, he lives right there. With his wife.”
Levi age 5 didn’t want to go in the ladies bathroom with us, but I told him it was okay because he was still little enough. He answered, “No, I want to go in the boys’ room because I want to pee in the wall!” It seemed a good time to explain what the word urinal meant.
While brushing Olivia’s hair, I asked, “Do you want ponytails or braids?” She replied, “Brains!” If only they were that easy to come by. age 4
Olivia age 4 was “doctoring” Tyler and Amber during their visit, and patting Tyler’s head told him, “It’s okay, you’re doing great, just relax.”
Taya asked for over easy eggs, assuring me she loves them very sloppy. Olivia age 4 agreed and also asked for very sloppy eggs. Upon cutting one egg open, she pushed her plate back and screamed, “My egg is bleeding!”
Olivia age 4 was wearing pink socks, put on Taya’s pink flip flops with the thong jammed between her socked toes, and came to show me her pink “pig feet.”
I offered Levi, age 4, some pineapple, and he cried, "No, it punches me in the mouth!"

Emma's Mindless Ramblings

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I'm 5% skinnier today

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