Another mother's funeral

My friends lost their mother last weekend: a Saturday morning, just like mine. Her funeral is today, but I don't think I can handle going. She was 55 years old! Mother of 7. Uterine cancer that got into her lymph system. My mom was 64, young enough, but at least she got to see all of her children married and have their own children. My dear Ruth and Aaron: my heart aches for you, my soul cries for you. Welcome to the crappiest club on earth.

Liv is Five!

Olivia turned 5, and she is never as bouncy or bubbly or hyper as on her "special day," (of which she frequently reminds us). In fact, every time someone else got a chance to have a photo taken, she'd say with those turned-down eyebrows, "It's not HER special day!"

Now I'm no expert on black and white photography, so usually when you see one that's b/w, it means I really screwed up the photo and had to save it! Outdoor on-camera flash photography still eludes me, but I didn't feel like setting up my studio lights: I hardly felt like doing anything!

One more birthday to go this season, and Levi is chomping at the bit for it to finally get here. Except for this baby's birthday, which gives me fits of anxiety just thinking about it. My sister had her baby today! Same day as Liv's birthday: suddenly it seems so much more real, and I'm kind of freaking out about it. Any day now, maybe this weekend, and Liv thinks her new little sister is her very own birthday gift!

15 more minutes

Mommy was on TV again for Total Mommy Fitness: the trainer Tatum joked that as their current token pregnant lady I've become their mascot, LOL! Baby due in just a few days, so I think that title will be pretty short lived. This time I got to talk, and got a nasty profile shot exercising at 9 months pregnant: just cruelty! The kids had a blast playing in the sprinklers at the park, but only Julia was brave enough to come exercise in front of the camera with me.
Click here to see video, only works using IE (no Firefox, sorry guys!)

I'm a wedding photographer. Stop laughing

I shot my first wedding last weekend. When she first asked me, I laughed and said, "You realize that's about 2 days before I'm due?" She said they weren't going to hire a photographer, so I figured even if I had a baby or felt like crap and bailed out, or totally screwed up every photo, nothing lost! While none of the photos will find their way onto the cover of Bride magazine, and I did get a lot of "wadders," (what do you call digital photos you just delete? Deleters?) I was really pleased that we captured some good shots of them! Even better, Ryan gave my kids piano lessons this summer, and we all enjoyed the chance to get to know him better. I'm really excited for both of them. If only everyone's marriage could be as good as mine and Troy's the world would probably spin around faster or something else along those lines.

Who is that ugly old lady?

My birthday! Troy was in Alaska most of the day, I picked him up from the airport around 3pm. I made my own cookie cake and cookie-dough ice cream, which my kids thought was sad! But he wasn't here to do it for me, and I'd rather eat cookies than whine about making it myself. All was not lost, for tired as he was, he rounded up the kids and gave me the rest of the day off my swollen pregnant feet!

32 shouldn't feel old, I don't feel old, I don't think I look old, but sometimes...those snapshots never do me any favors. You'd think Troy would want to me me look good, but I think he just barely graduated from the "say cheese and push the button" photography. It's fun he's finally getting into it. We're both artistic science nerds, so it's right up our alley.

Alaska AGAIN

Troy left for Alaska Friday afternoon: he picked me up from the airport on Thursday at 6pm, and by 11am the next morning we were on our way back. I challenged him to catch 200 lbs of fish, as if he's some sort of power lifter in the Olympics. Sadly, he wouldn't do the puffing breathing exercises those lifters do before trying to accomplish such a goal, so I'm unsure if the challenge will be met. If only he'd not been too proud to breathe like an idiot. I'm about to have a baby, and so weird breathing does not phase me in the least. Hopefully he brings back a lot of fish and doesn't smell like any. It's just a cheap ploy by me to stretch my grocery budget: I have to pay for groceries, but he has to pay for his own trip, so it's like he just threw $1,000 worth of fish into my freezer that I didn't have to "pay" for. Yeah, what's ours is ours, whatever, it's all about what Quicken says!
2005 Halibut haul

Idaho alone

I traveled to Idaho by myself last week to teach a Photoshop tranining seminar to the tech teachers at Malad High School (yeah, I know you've never heard of Malad, and probably not even Idaho!) Since Troy's parents live only 2 hours from Malad, and moved back from China the NIGHT before I arrived, I stayed with them. Luckily, or maybe not, perhaps just coincidentally, Troy's younger brother and his wife and 2 kids were up for the weekend to bless the new baby, and Troy's sister and her husband and 3 kids were visiting on a summer trip. With 3 brothers that live locally, it was a house full of people! Lots of cousins for my kids to play with had any of them been there.

We had Christmas in July, which was actually kind of sad seeing what we give up in family relationships as the price for living so far away. But weighing pros and cons I know Austin is the best place for our family, and while it is sometimes a heavy price not having any extended family or old friends, it's still worth it because Troy's job is such a rare blessing. How many grown men actually get paid a 40-hour week for about 10 actual hours? Well, 20 hours on a busy week.

And just because Shaun asked, the only Photoshop here is pasting the top of Russ's head back on. The tripod got bumped, I guess, and we had a little shrinkage. He's too tall anyway!

Swim Team

With nearly every large neighborhood in the area home to its own Jr. Olympic pool, swim team starts young here! This is Taya and Levi's first year, and they're having a great time. Neither of them are any good (I hope they don't read this for many years, but it's sadly true :0), but they love the meets and the excitement. Levi has won 3 ribbons, 2 for swimming on a relay team with really fast boys, and the other for coming in first (in the "slow" heat, but it's a ribbon!) I'm so proud of their hard work, and that they're swimming in suits I sewed for them. I've found a new love for swimming in the past several years, learning the strokes from the internet so I can swim laps for exercise, and I really enjoy watching their meets.

Both of their coaches swam in the Olympic trials, 1 coach advancing to the semi-finals in 2 events, which really lit the kids' fire for swimming! It's great they're staying active, learning, and interested. They've both improved drastically since the beginning of the season, though they're ready for it to be over. One more regional meet, and they're very excited both to swim and to be done!

Look, kids, Mom's on TV!

I was asked by a local trainer to film a spot on our 24-hour Austin news channel about exercise during pregnancy. Even though the trainer and the reporter were freakishly tiny (about 5'2" and 100lbs after eating Thanksgiving dinner), and I felt like an Amazon next to them, it was still fun to do. The trainer even offered me some free sessions, which was unexpected and very welcome! Of course, the kids think it's awesome that Mommy was on TV, and I'm just hoping this doesn't count towards my 15 minutes of fame: dream big! Well, dream on, I guess.

Troy is how old?

A few days before the event Troy asked me, "Now, am I going to be 32? 35?" I told him he knows what year he was born and to do the math himself! "Ah, 34, then. Right?" When did I ever end up being married to a middle-aged man? I guess it was about the same time I started to approach middle age too. How sad. I actually put all 34 candles on his "cake" (really pudding cream pies, I don't think anyone in our family actually prefers cake! With 2 birthdays in 6 days that's fine with me), and it was really a lot of candles. Whipped topping cooks with that many candles on it, just in case you're thinking of repeating it, so work fast and use loooong candles!

6/20/06

Julia's birthday, 6/20/06 (Troy says it's the "same" as his on 6/26), and all of a sudden she's TWO! Every photo I took she said, "Lemme seeeeee!!!!" and when I turned the camera around to show her the LCD screen she'd explode into peals of laughter! She was so excited to blow out her own candles. Five minutes before the celebration she had no idea what a birthday was, but suddenly she was the center of attention and couldn't have been a bigger ham. She should have just had an ice cream cake since she really only ate the frosting and ice cream anyway. That's okay: she has enough siblings to eat all the cake.
A few days before her birthday she decided she was ready to use the potty, and so it begins. She's been doing really well with very few accidents, but training this little when they can't even climb onto the potty by themselves is like mommy racing against time. After the new baby arrives, we'll see how long the potty habit lasts!

My shingle

Not that having business cards makes for an official business, and neither does a tax ID number, but I figure if I really want to make a go of this...someday...or rather some year when my kids are older, I need to run it like a business now!

I am still just doing friends' photoshoots, and some of them are even paying me for it! I love creating the photos all the way through to the digital scrapbook pages. Now all I need is a web site. Well, not ALL I need. Some paying clients would be nice too. Though I still have a hard time handing out my card and saying, "I'm a photographer," with a straight face.

Old crush and new friends

Troy's high school "crush" came to visit: I'm not exactly sure how they revived contact, but I think she found me through my web profile at work, or something benign like that? Rebecca and her husband Ryan were visiting San Antonio for his cousin's wedding, and they spent a night and day at our house.

Of course we brought them to work out in the morning, to the Botanical gardens for photo ops, and the Salt Lick Barbeque. We thought it might be awkward, but as soon as they walked in the door we were all like best friends.

He called them after the visit, and when she said, "Hello," Troy said, "I need to talk to Ryan." So much for social graces, Troy. No wonder she wouldn't date you!
Oddly enough, when visiting her blog she had some photos of her good friend, my sister's best friend from high school. Small world. Not small enough, as we'd love it if we could get together with Becca and Ryan more often. Four peas in a pod describes it pretty well.

Birthday season has begun

Taya’s birthday was today: the first in the season of all of our birthdays. We have 1 in April, 2 in June, 3 in July, and 1 in September.
It’s hard to believe how fast her ten years has flown by. In some ways it’s so vivid when she was a baby, and in other ways I have a hard time remembering her any other way. I’ve decided this is my favorite age. I used to think that about 18m-2y was the best as they’re learning to talk, and everything they do is so cute, but she’s so loving and appreciative of everything, does as she’s told, never gives attitude or drama. Not sure how long that will last, but we’re enjoying her so much! And is it just me, or does she look just like a better version of me?


After her "photo shoot," she was overjoyed to find cake and gifts! We didn't have a 1 nor a 0 candle, so she made "math" candles by adding up the numbers to make 10. The more she can blow out, the better. Just wait until she's 30 or 40 or 50 and realizes that's just a lot of candles, less is more!

Levi's tooth, first in, first out

After all that work as a baby to cut this thing in, all the tears and fussing, there it goes simple as anything. He was near the end of kindergarten when he lost it, and was beginning to fear he'd be the only one in his class not to have lost a tooth before the end of the year, even though he was the oldest kid in class! When the tooth fell out, his adult tooth was already peeking out behind it. We were hoping his cracked front tooth would fall out first, since he cracked it when he fell and broke his leg, and now it's gray, loose, and has a bit of an infection in the root. The pediatric dentist said to leave it alone and let it fall out on its own. The tooth fairy rewarded him generously for his patience, and he regularly wiggles all his teeth to find out which one is next to go "down!"

Easter Sunday

We pulled off the corny act today, all dressed up matching, but when else but Easter can we do that?

The girls' dresses were done in plenty of time! Though I will admit I had to redo the lace and rose on the baby's at the last minute on Saturday afternoon, and stitched the rose back on in the car on the way to church. That last part reminded me of Mom: after nagging her to at least get started on my wedding dress, she snapped back, "Have any of you girls ever gone to a dance, much less her own wedding DRESSLESS?!" As usual, she was right, and I nagged no more, showing up to my wedding in a gorgeous gown she made for me.

The weather in Austin was gorgeous today, despite the gloomy forecast. Even though it was windy, and not as much cloud cover as I was hoping for, we got some photos that don't make me want to cry. Almost. As the mother and photographer, I try too hard and make it not so much fun.

Levi and Troy got matching new white shirts with navy pants and orange ties, as if they didn't look enough like age-disparate twins already. I wore my navy floral skirt with white jacket and Photoshopped orange shirt (it's really a dark coral red, but hey, it matched one of the dot colors on the dresses! And everyone's Photoshopped-on heads to get one decent group shot will match the shirt, at least.) Julia and Livia loved their new white shoes, and Levi said, "Daddy and me look sharp!"
For a closer view of the girls' dresses, see my sewing site here.

Grieving

Grief is an odd thing: you feel what you feel whether it’s logical or “kind” or even appropriate. I’ve always thought I should let myself progress through any feelings I have during a grief phase as it helps me get over it faster! My mother is gone, and I needed to get what I wanted, something to make me happy, a brother for my son, and I didn't get it.

We struggled with infertility after our first was born, as have my sisters, so I well know what a blessing any child is, no matter the gender or even the health status! And yet, illogical as it is, I still feel “It’s too soon, I wanted a brother for Levi, etc, etc,” coupled with the “count your blessings, you have a boy already, etc, etc.”

My husband had a blessing years ago that said some things that really made me think we’d have 2 sons, and we have always both felt strongly about having 5 kids. I didn’t want another one and neither did he, but we both felt something pulling on us to have another, and I honestly thought it was because it was our other son “calling” to us. Coupled with my mom’s death, it’s hard to look on the bright side. Her passing has really shaken my faith in general, and I'm having a very difficult time seeing any sort of plan or reason to anything. When God doesn't bless us with our desires, It would be easier for me to say, "It's God's will," but I have no idea how I feel about that, if there is a "will" other than my own directing my life.

Here’s a scrapbook page I made after the first ultrasound, before we knew the gender, when I was trying to come to terms with the “too soon,” and now I’ll soon get over the “wrong gender!” I frankly was much more sad about our 4th child being another girl, I got over it. This one being a girl doesn’t bother me nearly as much. I’m just confused! Given my mom’s history we always thought I’d have my hysterectomy after this baby, my doctors all advise it before age 35, I do not want 6 children, we are done having children. I don’t mind at all that this one is another girl, I am not grieving at having a girl. I love little girls! I am just grieving we won’t ever have another boy! If that makes any sense…

" What were we thinking? Apparently not clearly enough!
I always wanted 5 kids, I think he did too. But now?
In the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
It would have been in a few months anyway.
Somehow, it’s so easy to forget when it was difficult,
to take for granted the miracle, to put too stringent
restrictions on when, what gender, where, how.
But in the end, it doesn’t make much difference.
You are ours now. We are yours. You belong to our hearts
forever
and we forever to yours.
So how can we quibble when we see the miracle?
The beat of your tiny heart that has already captured us,
the waving of your tiny arms as if to say hello already,
the kicking of infinitesimal feet reminding me you are there.
In our hearts, forever."

One more girl

We're expecting another baby! We had our 20-week ultrasound today and found out it's another girl! That makes 4 girls and 1 lonely boy in the mix. We'll have to make a lot of pink walls and fluffy dresses, and some frugal weddings!

Sewing with Mom

I haven't been sewing in awhile: I recently moved all my machines and my big cutting table into the computer room (left all the supplies in the other room, not enough space in here), hoping to be more productive near my computer and movies, and especially near Troy.
So far I've done only mending and a few small projects, which is definitely progress. I decided a few weeks ago that I wanted to do another project with my mom, as we always spoke on the phone about what we were working on and trading advice. It seemed every project I'd call her with a question, even if she couldn't answer it (we work on very different types of sewing). I keep trying to pick up the phone and call her again, realizing she's not there, so I'm not sure if the decision to do a project "with her" is more painful or cathartic.
When we were little, she would put all 3 girls in matching dresses, usually different colors, and people would ask if we were triplets! She had some fun stories of making dresses of the same color and getting the pieces mixed up as they weren't exactly the same size, and that's why she changed to the same style and fabric in different colors! I have 3 daughters, and even though their age spreads leave no doubt they are not multiples, with Easter coming up making 3 matching dresses seemed only appropriate as my first project since Mom's death. It's almost like we're doing it together, and I'm definitely doing it in her honor.
Only one week left until Easter, and the dresses are well on their way, so I should be finished in plenty of time if my motivation doesn't abate. I'm excited to zip them up and do a photo shoot with my 3 little darlings. As for Troy, Levi, and me, I think we'll just try to get something that doesn't completely clash! Levi's Easter outfit is definitely coming from a store, though!
(see March 23 post for finished dresses, or my sewing site here.)

In memory of my mother

Dee Satterlee Giles
June 1943-Feb 16 2008

On Valentine's Day, I threw a bunch of dirty laundry into my suitcase, snatched up my two littlest kids, and with a "hot off the press" same-day air ticket, rushed to Seattle to see my mother. I should have had a bag packed and ready because I knew her health was poor, that her cancer had taken over, but the speed of her decline that last week surprised all of us. Each day she seemed to progress exponentially worse, so on Monday when we last spoke there was talk of me not coming until March, and by Wednesday, when we had scheduled to speak again, she was unable to carry on a conversation and could hardly sit up when carried out of bed.
Friday morning I hurried over early, hearing that mornings were her most lucid times because she wouldn't be on any painkillers, but after 13 hours unmedicated she was hardly communicative, opening her eyes only a few times, and I'm doubtful she had even a short term memory of my presence. She answered my questions properly, seemed to know who I was, recognized my children's names, even made a few comments on what I was wearing, but it was all confused with her own mindless ramblings and nonsensical statements. I returned 3 times that day to a progressively worsened state: by lunchtime she was silent and appeared unconscious, after dinner was highly agigated and mumbling, and even making out a few words here and there was difficult. We attended to her until after midnight: she had become very dehydrated from lack of food and water, refusing our offers and being unable to swallow well. The hospice nurse visited Friday morning saying that was the last sign of "active dying" and she did not expect to see us again. At that, Mom interrupted her own mumbling to call out, "I don't want to die," and then returned to her other conversations.
That night, as she became more agitated, we rubbed chapstick into our mother's parched lips and nostrils, sprayed her mouth with a hydrating mist, and even near the end she would still respond to our commands of "open your mouth," or "do you want more?" between her mumbles and chatter. She moved very little those last two days, and the fluid being stolen from her blood and organs by the cancer cells was oozing into her tissue causing blisters, especially on her legs and feet. It was unclear whether she would die from cardiac arrest having no more blood pressure, or respiratory arrest from the pressure of the fluid on or in her lungs. After midnight, everyone was in the living room talking except me, as I had fallen asleep on the sofa near her. She woke me every so often with talking, and the last thing I heard her say before everyone came back in and all the sisters left was a slow moan of, "I just want to die." She had resisted death so hard, she feared it, felt she had not been able to fulfill all her earthly desires. Even near the end she seemed so unaware that was why she had come home from the hospital. I had always told her at the end, in pain, she wouldn't fight so hard, but it took almost until the last moments for her to surrender the fight.
After we left my brother and brother-in-law remained to care for her overnight. He arose every hour to give her morphine drops, dreading she might be in pain and unable to ask for relief. By 6:30 Saturday morning I received a call from my brother that Mom's breathing had "changed" and we should hurry over. No one made it: she passed away at 7:05am on February 16 at age 64 after a 6-year battle with ovarian cancer.
Her passing has left a hole in my soul. I found the past 2 years I purposely refrained from building any type of routine around her, like not calling at any particular time, or even resisting the urge to call knowing that someday I'd have to get used to not being able to talk to her. It was silly, like a pulling away so I wouldn't miss her so much in my daily life, and I knew I'd be sorry I didn't spend more time on the phone or sending photos to her. When Troy's mom moved to China, the first time I couldn't call her for some silly little question settled on me suddenly and heavily with the realization that someday my own dear sweet mother would be gone. No more phone calls, no more emails, no more questions, no more answers, no more sharing. Just gone.
My children have almost no recollections of her: Taya remembers a few visits, Levi and Julia will remember nothing, and Liv's only memory will be of her ill and unconscious grandmother whom she kissed on the cheek during a momentary visit to her room the day before she died.
My mother could do anything she wanted with an incredibly keen intelligence coupled with a drive and passion for learning and creating. In fact, we used to tease her the only thing she couldn't do was sing no matter how hard she tried. She took up the piano at age 50 and was actually pretty good, sewed amazing clothing and quilts and embroidery, even tiny 6" doll clothes after she nearly completely lost the dexterity in her fingers. She decorated cakes, wrote poetry, cooked, drew, painted, went to school, substitute taught, worked in nursing, knitted, crocheted, drafted and sold patterns, a computer whiz, and took up nearly every pursuit that caught her eye. We used to call her the walking dictionary and would never play any word games with her because she could snatch seemingly balderdash words from the air that were always found in the dictionary when we challenged her. We accused her of cheating, of taking advantage of our trust, but we never found a word she "made up" that was actually made up! She knew the answer to any question off the top of her head and could help us with any subject or level of homework we could bring to her. She was incredibly self motivated, never needing pushed to accomplish anything, even as a child, yet amazingly fickle moving from one project to another as the desire drove her. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, and did it with excellence.
Yet through it all, she was a wife and a mother to 8 children! Her real dream, her true lifelong passion was to have a large family, despite her family's discouragement. She cooked mountains of food and washed mountain ranges of laundry and dishes. She put up with our whining and our bickering, teaching us to control our impulses and look to the future, always keeping our highest priorities in view. She taught us about faith and trust in the Lord, about resisting temptation, and about dedicating our lives to something more than petty or selfish desires. She taught us to be good spouses and parents. She had faults, many of them, which unfortunately provided us with too much entertainment, but overcoming all she taught us to forgive ourselves for our own faults by never allowing her own to slow her down, always striving to improve.
Her legacy is not only left by the items she created, but stored in us, her family, in memories and values and lessons and love.
We miss you, Mama. Go with excellence as you always have.

Ah, the joys of family

Here's our family photo from the Botanical Gardens, an overall unpleasant experience! With impatient children and impatient photographer (sorry Amber, maybe patient Tyler can email us his patient versions!) we gritted and tried our best to look our best. And just to be clear, this IS the fixed one with Photoshop pasted-on heads, clothing color changed to match, and smirks into smiles, and it still sucks. But you can't argue with the best, and this is the best! Doesn't take much to be the best when taken from such a pool of inadequacy, so let this be a life lesson to us all: hang out with mediocre people and strive for excellence!

Scream for Ice Cream?

My babies only know a few signs, just the essentials to get by before speech invades their little world. "More," is perhaps the first and most important! To them, it means just, "Gimme FOOD!" usually accompanied by an adorable little squeak of, "Mo? Mo?"

Well, my bowl of homemade cookie-dough ice cream didn't stay mine for long, as Baby caught sight of it and started with her simple signing, fingers clapping and desperate eyebrows knit together, quickly advancing in speed, then to begging, loudly, "MO? MO?"
And when she finally got hold of it, she smiled wildly and said, "Col'!"
And as with all things good, one bite is never enough. I guess it's a great way to stay on a diet: always share with your toddler. The chubby looks cuter on her cheeks, anyway.

I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

You know that Primary song, "I Belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!" that the kids sing? I never sing that, I don't wear a missionary badge, a lot of my friends and neighbors don't even know this very important thing about me. So now at least online I can wear my "badge" in the signature lines on the forums I visit. You can too! Here's the PHP code to use on bulletin boards:

[IMG]http://tinyurl.com/jesuschristLDS-jpg[/IMG]

No annoyingly flashing blinkies, just beautiful and simple like Christ himself.
Listen to the song here
http://broadcast.lds.org/churchmusic/MP3/1/2/words/77.mp3

Early Thanksgiving

Troy's sister Amber and her husband Tyler came to visit for Thanksgiving, a week early. Have you seen holiday airfare?! So we had our Thanksgiving dinner the Saturday prior with a Texas-smoked turkey, real AND peeled mashed potatoes, almost lump-free gravy, appetizers, non-soggy stuffing, green bean casserole, and what my kids call "can," otherwise known as cranberry sauce. For dessert, Tyler's Dream Bars, 10 pies, homemade ice cream, and strawberry shortcake. It was wonderful to have my assistant aka Amber cleaning behind me as I cooked, and I've never had so much fun in the kitchen. It's amazing how drudgery takes the fun out of everything. We had a great weekend, a few ups and downs with a trip to the emergency room, but what holiday weekend would be complete without some family drama? Overall it was wonderful to have them all to ourselves to reminisce and get to know them better.

Beautiful

Sunday after church we went to the Austin Zilker Botanical Gardens for some photo ops. The kids LOVE posing, especially when they can zip around from location to location rather than sitting in one spot.

Of course, we had our fair share of bloopers, too!

Prettier than your wedding!

Olivia, who is always searching for girly things, fanciful, imaginative, or beautiful, wanted to see when I got to be a princess, so I showed her my wedding photos and wedding dress. She was appropriately impressed, as any 4-year-old girl should be. A few days later, on Thanksgiving, she saw my pumpkin cream pie and exclaimed, "Mommy! That's prettier than your wedding!" Obviously we have some priorities to straighten out.

Easiest recipe ever found at Jell-O.com

Sick of being sick

I am so sick. I've been sick for a long time. The nitty details are not only boring, but disgusting, and somewhat private, so I'll spare repeating them. However, after over a week of nausea, and almost 2 weeks of general malaise and stomach cramping, I'm sick of being sick. What a waste of time. And despite some weight loss, I don't recommend this diet to anyone!

New School Year

Yes, they really did bring apples to their teachers on the first day, but I included chocolate cookies to lessen the cheese factor. Taya is in 4th grade, and Levi finally started kindergarten this year! He'll be 6 in 2 weeks, but he's still the smallest kid in class and unfortunately behaves that way as well. He loves school, adores his teacher, and regularly engages in social activities such as pushing, shoving, or hitting friends for no reason. When he's not doing that, he shows affection with crushing hugs or fiddling with their clothes and hair. He's lovely, of course.
They are both still in karate and hating it (don't tell them, I'm trying to brainwash them that it's cool). Taya is really enjoying piano lessons and practices on her own cheerfully.
Somehow the extra time I was hoping to have while they were at school hasn't really materialized as I'd hoped and knew it wouldn't! With 4 kids it'll always be hard. But the school year is still new, and as the routine regularizes I'm finding it's easier to keep the house clean and stay caught up on spending time with my kids and working out. I've lost about 25 pounds since last June, and it feels great!
Of course a new school year brings illness with it. I spent over a week getting to know my toilet better, I even put a little chair in there to hang out just in case. Finally got some Cipro (miracle of miracles), and everyone else seems to be taking turns in the same boat...er, bathroom. Hopefully no one else will have it as long as I did, and hopefully no one else will need extra pharmaceutical help to kick the toilet habit.
With just 2 kids at home this year, Olivia is loving having more mommy time, and she needs it! As a middle child so close in age to her brother, she feels left out a lot. Her mood and attitude have improved, and since she's starting kindergarten in just a year, this year with her at home almost alone will be a special one. Julia is just getting old enough for them to play together a little bit, except for the times when she's screaming about new teeth charging in. She had 6 for quite awhile, and she has 3 new ones with 3 more threatening to ruin our peace for awhile longer yet.
It's amazing how busy we can be yet still be so boring!

A big family on a big trip!

Here we all are, July 2007. Julia just turned 1, Olivia just turned 4. Levi is starting kindergarten in the Fall, and Taya will be in 4th grade. We have a new school in our neighborhood, and while I'm really excited having to walk them there instead of having a bus at our front door will be a challenge! She's always been bused to school, and I thought I'd love a school so near us. However, I'm coming to realize having to wake everyone up and walk them there will be a big challenge, plus having 2 to get ready in the mornings, plus 2 more tag alongs, is going to be much more chaotic than I'm used to! Normally I dread the start of school, but this year, because I'll have 2 in school (finally), and 2 at home, it feels like it will be so much quieter during the day. I want to spend quality time with the kids. I want to have my really clean house back. I want to get my classes written. I want to sew again. Right now I don't do any of it because I feel so wiped out all the time just being surrounded by so many needs constantly, that even in my free time I can't get anything done! I wonder if it's just a fantasy? Part of me feels like it will be even more chaotic with homework and evening activities. Somewhere along the line my metamorphosis into "soccer mom" started without my permission! Though none of us play soccer...maybe I'll get a bumper sticker that says, "My karate mom can kick your soccer mom's butt!"

Our monster road trip is over now! We started in Austin and drove through New Mexico, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Salt Lake to see my best HS friend, Boise, flew to Seattle to see my family, drove from Boise to Rexburg to see Troy's family, I taught a 3-day seminar in Malad, Idaho, South Weber, Utah to see Troy's best HS friend, Silverthorne, Colorado to see my oldest brother, then back through Amarillo to Austin. It took 3 weeks! But it wasn't quite as horrifying a drive as we anticpated. The kids watched DVD in our new car player, and the baby spent a lot of time playing with her toes. I've noticed crying isn't as stressful when you can't do anything about it! Our families were great to see, and everyone was happy and obliging, unless I mention those few troublesome moments, which I won't. We had a good time, and don't tremble in fear at the thought of doing it again now that we have a DVD player in the car! And to our credit, we haven't used it once since we got home, though the kids have begged. They watch enough TV at home!

Baby is Big

My Julia turned one. With each child that sneaks up on me faster and faster. She walks and even talks a little. I already miss my baby, that fleeting and miraculous infant stage. On the other hand, if it took any longer for them to grow up I would surely go insane.

Our Baby is HERE!!!

Our new baby was born on June 20, 2006. A 7lb 10oz little girl, perfectly healthy and adorable! She looks a lot like Olivia did as a newborn, surprisingly so.

She's so mellow, sleeps really well. I'm still tired from waking during the night, but at least she just wakes up to nurse and doesn't stay awake. Troy is still sleeping in the guest bed, and I miss him. It is nice not stressing about keeping him awake at night, though, so I can rely on him to be rested and helping with the kids during the day.

Troy went back to work today, and I thought I'd have a nervous breakdown when he left! I feel like that mother bear who chases her cubs off in preparation to have another one: THIS is my baby, I don't want to deal with the other ones! They are very good children and play together and help each other. It's nice that school is out so Taya can be helpful and entertain the little kids.

I'm sad the pregnancy is over, there's just nothing else like growing a baby and giving birth. It's like now the serious business of growing up begins. But that special time during this newborn stage seems just as good, and over just as fast!

Summer is BACK!

Somehow when the time changes and the weather warms up down here, life just seems good! All of a sudden I WANT to work out, I WANT to clean, I'm more organized, my house is cleaner, there's food on the table, even my kids are cuter.

We bought a new car, FINALLY! It's an almost new 2005 Toyota Sienna minivan, so Troy is driving the '98 Dodge minivan as his truck (took all the seats out). It's nice having something to haul things in, but still have passenger capacity when needed. I love the freedom of having my own car, but I hate paying for gas. Between that and helping out with the car payment, it's really taken a chunk out of my monthly income from teaching. I'l be throwing all my money at this thing until it's paid off, hopefully in about 2 years.

I was really sick last Thursday, some stomach virus. It didn't last very long, but I lost about 5 lbs in two days, and I'm just now back where I was a week ago. Putting on baby weight is mentally difficult: I'm at a 17lb gain, was hoping to keep it to 20 total, but with nearly 3mos to go I don't think I'll make that!
Still working out at the church classes, and going to my community rec center to lift weights twice a week, running on Friday mornings, and going to karate twice a week. It's depressing how much work it takes to not be overweight, much less in good shape. My eating has improved, but it's so difficult to keep the calories under control. I love bread and pasta, and even whole grain is just sky high in calories. But I'm determined to keep my weight under control because it was so difficult to lose it all after Olivia was born. I really let myself go during and after that pregnancy.

Baby is doing well. I'm at the point where I need to start seeing my two midwives more often, and I just hate prenatal checkups. I'd be happy to have about 4 the whole pregnancy! I need to write up my "ideal birth story" for her. My last visit she asked if my kids would be there, and I said, "No, I don't even want you two there!" She laughed and said they'd try to stay as inconspicuous as possible, and wondered if an unattended birth was something that interested me. It's not something I ever want to do, but the if nothing goes wrong I don't see any need to have them in my way: the unattended atmosphere is what I'm trying to mimic as best I can with the obvious observers who need to be there.
Troy's mom is coming up after the delivery to help out for a few days, that'll be nice. Hopefully she'll just play with the kids, cook, and pick up, because I hope to have all my meals put up in the freezer and the house spotless with laundry done the way it was when I left for Vegas. It was so nice to have the break, and Troy is so good about keeping the house up. All I had to do when I got back was laundry and wipe the counters and bathrooms. They even mopped while I was gone! That's what I'm looking forward to when the baby is born. I already have all the clothing washed, spring cleaned all the kids' clothes, and we're ready to go!

Work is looking up: I'm far more motivated to write my new classes, and working with a teaching partner has been really great. She helps me stay on top of things, set goals and deadlines, and stay enthusiastic. I have my computer time more under control, and have even managed to scrap a few of my own pages lately.

I sewed too! I made a new nursing dress that's loose to be more like a lounging dress, so it fits me now too. I already wear it too much! I'm looking forward to finishing writing my classes so I have more time sew. I don't want to write any more after these are done: I'm maxed out on how many I can teach. After the baby is born it'll nice to just focus on running the classes so I can spend more time being mommy, doing the simple things like housework and sewing. I don't need more on my plate, I want to enjoy my kids while they're little!

My goals are all progressing well, and I'm really pleased with how things have been going. Aside from being so irritable, and Troy's in school and irritable as well! We've both noticed how hard the other is trying to keep things "cool" and in control, and life has been so much more enjoyable!

Another Girl!

Things are going really well. I'm a complete hormonal mess, very weepy and irritable, but it doesn't seem to be related to anything real, except for the obvious pregnant reasons! I'm not even feeling anything bad, just suddenly feel the urge to cry for no reason. It's not a big deal, but I think it's pretty funny!

We found out we're having another girl. I'm okay with that (3 girls and 1 boy), but I'm upset that my son won't have a brother. Personally I think girls are great! And it's not like we're raising girly princesses around here, so he should have plenty of wrestling and video game partners, and a mom and older sister who can karate-woop him anytime!

Work is getting away from me. I'm trying to get back into my other hobbies like sewing, and being more vigilant about teaching my oldest daughter piano and sewing, so I have less time for scrapbooking and writing classes. I need to manage my computer time more efficiently so I have time to write as well as scrap personally. Perhaps I'm just in a bit of a rut there. I figure as long as everyone is happy and the house is running smoothly, everything else is just bonus. Whatever I can fit in makes me grateful.

I just got back from Las Vegas for the CHA trade show where I met many of my online coworkers. Vegas is definitely an interesting and different place, a lot of fun even without gambling. So many shows and attractions and gaudy architecture to gawk at. The show is in Anaheim next year, and I've never been there either, but with a new baby I'll probably skip it. Though turning it into an extended Disneyland trip might be fun with the family!

House is Clean with my new baby, Roomba!

Christmas was a blast in Phoenix, and when I got home we had a new baby: delivered in a box that said "Roomba" on it!
It's amazing, but having that timer on it so I KNOW it's coming out at 9pm every night really motivates me to pick up a room to be ready for it. I guess I didn't realize how often I go to bed not picking up at least one room, and doing that everyday makes a huge difference!

So the thing has infected the rest of the house, the kitchen is clean, the bathrooms are clean, the beds are made, the laundry is done. I got some larger baskets, and having it organized has been really helpful. I haven't yet decided if I prefer to do a load a day, or spend one day doing it all, and then fold and put away one person's basket a day. Having each person have his own basket is really helpful as well, keeps the job smaller when I do it in portions.

So I'm doing pretty well with my goals!

Have yet to really get back into working out, but I go to the aerobics class at church twice a week now. Need to get back into lifting my dumb bells at home and using the community gym. I didn't gain any weight over the holidays, but I am starting to now. My goal is to stay under 170 by the end of June at delivery.

I DID get my next karate belt last November, advanced brown. After some "morning sick" leave, we're back at it twice a week. Taya's little friend wants to sign up and ride with us, so yet more motivation to get there! I am unable to set a goal for my next belt test: April is out, October may be wishful thinking with such a small baby. Certainly by April 2007 I will be ready to test again: seems so far away. But I will likely be able to do a triathlon in August or September, those take less time to train for.

The sewing room is close to being organized, Troy finished my new cutting table just before Christmas. I love it! I am really tired, and just trying to find the energy to work and exercise and keep the house, the "extras" seem really huge right now. I am sure I will be back at the cutting table soon.

For work, I've been doing much better since I set days to comment on students' work and allowed times for the computer. I don't scrap every Sunday, but I do it more often than I had been. Sometimes I just don't feel like it! I've decided to cram through writing these two new classes so we can buy a new car in a hurry. I found a c0-teacher for one class, so that'll be a huge help. Still working on the 15 minutes at a time for writing and commenting on members' work.
I was offered a job teaching English for 6 weeks, but I can make more money for my time teaching online classes at DSU.

I am writing new routines, or trying to. We went over mine when Taya and I were planning her routines, and I realized just how out of date they are! So far so good, so I'm not in a big hurry to get that done. I also am going to spend at least 15 minutes a day doing some school activity with Levi, and making at least 15 minutes to read to both little ones in the evenings.

Aside from feeling lazy due to baby fatigue, I'm doing really well. Writing things down help me realize just how much I get done, even with all the inactivity and resting!

We're having a BABY!

We're having a new baby! It's early, we're still in that "unreal" phase where the chart is telling me one thing, but my body hasn't caught on yet. Not that I hope for morning sickness or a huge gut, but it would certianly lend some credibility to my claim!

Due on June 19, Mom's birthday, we're hoping for the 28th. With an anniversary and all 3 kids on the 28th of a month, it would be a real shame to mess up the trend with this last baby. Our track record shows we have a good chance of making it! Nine days overdue is hard to plan, they don't have reverse inductions, do they?!

I'm still feeling pretty nervous, not excited or upset. I know what I'm getting myself into, and I really, really, really, really want a boy! That's a lot of pressure to perform in yet another aspect I can't control. Well, such is life with children, I'm getting used to it.

Goals

I'm under 150 pounds for the first time today! 148.6! I was tracking calories at www.fitday.com and gave that up. Too stressful, and too easy to get obsessed. I made my goal of doing it for 3 weeks, I learned a lot, but it was hard to force myself to stop. I know I can always do it again when things stall, it's a good tool. Just can't do it all the time.

I need to record some new goals. I realized the bodybuilding books I'm reading all have goals sections, and I wondered why I have never made any for other areas of my life! S o here goes

Fitness
1. I will weigh 135 pounds by October 31, and I will not gain any weight during the holidays.
2.I lift weights 3x/week, I do cardio 4x/week, and go to karate at least 2x/week.
3. I am writing a new workout plan every 8 weeks.
4. I plan my meals a week in advance, and cook several meals at once for the freezer.
5. I am getting my next karate belt in November.
6. I am doing a triathlon in June, or if I'm pregnant doing one after my karate test.

Housekeeping
1. By the end of September, I clean my kitchen every night before bed, and clean bathrooms every morning.
2. I sweep everyday, and mop every 3 days.
3. Get enough laundry hampers to contain dirty laundry. Wash, dry, and fold one load everyday.
4. Do not turn on the computer until 7pm, or do not have it on past 10am.
5. Organize sewing room by Thanksgiving with cutting table for sewing some Christmas gifts.
6. Follow my daily/weekly/monthly routines I wrote. Choose one thing I'm not doing and do it for 3 weeks before choosing another.

Work
1. I make time to scrapbook for myself every Sunday evening. One layout per week.
2. Spend 15 minutes per evening working on writing DSU classes or tutorials.
3. Spend 15 minutes per evening commenting on general gallery layouts.
4. Comment on students' layouts twice a week.

I think that's it for now.

All is Well

Troy is back, and after a minor scuffle all the fish is safely stowed in a new chest freezer where my industrial sewing machine used to be! The machine was a commercial 3-phase motor which couldn't be adapted to even a 220 outlet for home use, so I sold it to a parachute/skydiving instructor. Fortunately, my best friend's husband is an electrician who sky dives, so not only did he save us the trouble of learning the hard way it's not a 220, but he called his friend who bought it. I'm sad to see it go, but at least I made a few bucks!

Not sewing, not scrapping, just obsessed with this weight loss thing. That's fine, it leaves more time for cleaning the house. The pool is closing soon, so I'm anxious to get in as many laps as I can while the weather holds. Then it's back to biking/running, and I think I actually prefer to swim. I've lost a few pounds, look more toned, but have a way to go yet.

Every once in awhile I'm reminded by something of an old article I read on rediscovering passion in our lives, to not let the mediocrity of routine prevent us from being creative. So my diet wasn't working, I got a new one. I read some books, got excited, and that's what keeps me going. My cleaning routine isn't working, so I found a new resource. Hopefully honeymoon phase will set it, like it did with the www.flylady.net approach, and I can get things back to where I want them to be. I'm happy with a great routine that works, when I can be really organized and thus very productive. I'm hoping this detour will give Troy the time he needs to dig into my sewing room remodel so I can sew again. And hopefully when I feel healthier and my house is back to its old self, I can spend some more time scrapping and teaching.

Yep, all is well, and not just because I'm trying to convince myself it is!

Caughta Lotta Fish

Troy brought home about 200lbs of salmon and halibut, but I only got to see it in neatly packaged and frozen blocks of fish flesh. He had a great vacation as only a man can when reeking of fish guts for a week. Fortunately he showered before coming home, but with flight delays he barely pecked me after running in the door and straight back to the store to buy a chest freezer to save his precious catch. We'll eat well for awhile on these guys!

Visitors and Vacations

Troy is in Alaska for a week! I'm glad he went, it will be fun, but sad to be apart. BUT my best friend since grade school is visiting with her husband. Too bad Troy won't be around the visit since she met him before I did. They taught Levi how to swim, and we had a great time hanging out.

My diet is going okay...haven't lost any real weight, but that's good I guess since I don't want to go too fast and lose muscle with the fat. I seem more toned, I haven't skipped any workouts (Weights MWF, Swimming TT, and Karate WS). Hopefully this body "reshaping" will be fast and I can start to lose some fat and inches. I ordered an at-home fat % caliper today, so hopefully I can stop paying too much attention to the stupid scale! I can't WAIT to get my "after" photos!!!

Wow, Troy is going to Alaska!

Wow, Troy is going to Alaska! Just sprung that one on me. Apparently his friend Wally is going on a fishign trip for a great deal, so Troy couldn't resist tagging along. Hope he has fun and gets a ton of great photos.
He's leaving on Wednesday...yes, in less than 2 days, and will be gone until the following Thursday night.
It's actually kind of freeing, that we can do this type of thing on a whim. Not only that we can still be spotaneous when life seems to weigh us down so often, but that we can afford it. Not that we can afford it, but that it won't break us. He got a profit-sharing check today that sealed his decision to go as it was exactly the amount he needed for airfare!
Is it petty to admit I'm jealous? But I'm excited, because not only will he have a wonderful time, but that it shows me we can do this, everything is not a big deal!

I think I must be hormonal again, I'm not used to this! I'm used to having a few cycles a year, and it seems I've become a frequent flyer in the Time of the Month Club. I HATE it! Makes me feel hopeless, overwhelmed, irritable, weepy. Just at the time when I should be excited to get another chance to have a baby, I wonder what's wrong with me and if I can handle it! But I know it's not really "me" talking, that these feelings are under the surface and just amplified right now. I'll be fine...right?

Things at work are going well. I'd like to make a little more money, but I think the summer is slow. I'd love to find more time than my allotted 24 hours and write more classes, but I've secretly really enjoyed the break from the breakneck pace I've had this past year. Sometimes this industry gets really catty, a bunch of competitive women, but if I try to insulate myself from it, to remember this is my passion and we're all just trying to make a few extra bucks, then I can do my stuff and not get distracted. Except by email, whenever I need a good distraction, there's ALWAYS email!

I need to lose weight!

I'm starting a new diet, that's my obsession this week. It changes, you know, so check back in a few days and see what new neurosis I have developed since then. If I'm lucky, I'll go back to a previous obsession and save myself some money buying new supplies!

It's called The Abs Diet, and so far I really like it, though it doesn't seem to be helping at all. It's not much different than what I was already doing that didn't work, as is plain to see from my under 150 photo from January, and now I'm just barely under 160! Basically, eat more often, build muscle by working out, and eat high protein, high calcium, high fiber, and no refined sugar or flour.

I'd publish my Before photos in my bikini too, but it might scare off too many viewers, and since this is such a high traffic blog I need to be respectful! Perhaps when the Afters look better than the Befores, I can post them all as a boxed set.

Yes, those are my feet, even the podiatrist says they're ugly!

Starting stats:
height 5'7"...almost, and don't intend to change that much
weight 158
waist 31.5
hips 41.5
body fat >20%

This is where comments such as, "Emma, you cow, go for it! You sure need this!" or "Wow, you're brave to take photos in a bikini, ick!" or other insensitive jeers are most inappropriate. Unless you think it will motivate me, in which case feel free! Just please refrain from putting me on a scale from 1-10...wait, then that scale says I'd be really thin, let's try that!

Let's see...what to say?

My first post should be my life story thus far, right?

Well, who has time for that?! Between kids, the house, hobbies, and work, I'm lucky I have time to type in this at all!

Here we are with our 3 kids. I work teaching digital scrapbook classes at www.dsplace.com, Troy is a semi-conductor technician for KLA-Tencor, and the kids specialize in Grumpy, Whining, and Snuggles. There aren't a lot of career opportunities out there for minors, so it's fortunate most of them are good at these things!

We have way too many hobbies, it's a wonder the dishes ever get done or the lawn ever gets mowed. I sew clothing, scrapbook digitally, have a brown belt in karate, Troy fixes all things broken, does carpentry so the kids have more things to break, and we both love individual sports like kayaking or rock climbing or racquetball, and we sing and play the piano. I said we like it, not that we're good at it!
Like all good parents we feel guilty that we don't spend more time as a family, either together or on kid or couple dates.

It's amazing that with our frenetic pace and busy lives, we still feel we accomplish so little, and that our lives are inherently boring. Well, if you can squeeze us into a nutshell, this is it!